January 22, 2020

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 22, 2020, the serial pooper of Natick, Massachusetts was pinched in the act. The Natick Outdoor Store had reported to the police that a serial pooper had left human feces outside the store on at least eight separate occasions since October 2019. At 7 AM on January 22, 2020, a Natick police officer caught Andrea Grocer, age 51, in the act. Ms. Grocer offered an excuse, saying that she had irritable bowel syndrome and she wasn’t able to make it to the house where she was working as a nanny. Her employer told the police that Ms. Grocer had access to their restroom, which wasn’t really that far away, so an arrest was made. Especially since she’d done it eight other times since October. It appeared to have become her ‘thing’. Remember, people, bears do it in the woods, not a store’s parking lot.

See why I say humans are weird? You don't see us robots doing things like this. To be fair, I did once lose a Hypermetric Pulse Inverter in a Circuit City parking lot, but that was because it fell off, which is hardly the same thing. Share this post, if you think humans and robots are both weird.

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January 21, 1924

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 21, 1924, Soviet Leader Lenin died. Joseph Stalin immediately began a purge of his rivals and intellectuals for the leadership of the Soviet Union. If people who are trying to gain power and control over a state or government start ridiculing, bashing, libeling, and calling into question the expertise of the educated of their society, expect bad things to happen. The educated and more intelligent in a society will be the first to notice that the canaries are dying in the coal mines. If their voices are silenced through repeatedly disproven false information, the freedoms you love will go away. The first people to be pushed aside or removed in an authoritarian regime will be the professors, teachers, and scientists and they will be replaced with less capable people who toe the party line.

This is why it's better to elect your leaders. It can still go wrong sometimes, but it always course-corrects. Share Twisted-History to see the democratic process in action.

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January 20, 1989

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 20, 1989, George H.W. Bush was inaugurated as the 41st American President and Dan Quayle of Indiana became the 44th Vice President. When secretively asked why he chose Quayle, Bush said he had to make sure his Secret Service detail was extra motivated to keep him from coming to any harm. If you ever talked to Quayle for 15 minutes, you quickly knew America and the world was better off as long as Quayle stayed the Vice President. Potato. Potato.

A bit of trivia: Dan Quayle’s Secret Service nickname was Scorecard. Share this post, if you think it should’ve been Potato instead.

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January 19, 1939

Posted on January 19, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 19, 1939, Ernie Hausen of Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin set a world record that stands to this day. He plucked a chicken bare in 4.4 seconds. That is all, folks.

He then went on to attempt records for monkey spanking and dolphin waxing. Share this post for the euphemism trifecta.

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January 18, 1993

Posted on January 18, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 18, 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr., holiday was observed in all 50 states of the United States for the first time ever. Arizona, the last state to authorize the holiday, still didn’t want to, but did so begrudgingly because Alabama, Mississippi and Texas threatened to drive over and give it a good old fashioned Southern butt-whoopin if they didn’t. Alabama, Mississippi and Texas said if they had to observe the holiday with a smile, Arizona was going to also.

The best thing about national holidays is that you have more time to share Twisted-History. Do it now to beat the rush.

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January 17, 1740

Posted on January 17, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 17, 1740, the Greatest German who ever lived, died. Who was this prodigious talent of a man? It was none other than Matthias Buchinger who was also known as Matthew Buckinger in England. Matthew Buckinger was a multi-talented and intelligent man, who was a polymath and musician who was also extremely skilled at drawing and sculpting. Buckinger also was an accomplished stage magician, fencer, bowler, marksmen, archer, knitter, blindfolded knife thrower, inventor and famed lover. Buckinger was able to accomplish all these feats in spite of being both German and being born without hands or feet and standing just 30 inches tall. He was born with a birth defect that gave him flipper-like appendages. In the 1740s, Buckinger’s fame with the ladies became so well-known, that the English started to refer to a vagina as ‘Buckinger’s Boot’. Matthew Buckinger was married four times, that we know of, and fathered over fourteen children with his four different wives and 70 mistresses. This just goes to show, you can overcome any deformity or difficulty that life throws at you, just as long as you are extremely talented and born into a well-to-do family. Oh, I forgot to mention that Buckinger’s family was well-to-do, so he was given private tutors and teachers to help him overcome his birth defects. So, with extreme intelligence, artistic ability and well-to-do parents that can afford private tutors, most people can overcome the pot-holes that the road of life can throw your way.

It is the proven 3-step plan to overcoming adversity: Step 1, be born to wealthy parents. Step 2, be intelligent and talented. Step 3, work hard to excel. Just follow these 3 steps and you too can overcome anything. Although, another option is to simply share Twisted-History. No wealthy parents required.

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January 16, 2012

Posted on January 16, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 16, 2012, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin police arrested Michael West for domestic abuse. His wife, Rebecca, was crying and bleeding from the nose when they arrived. A drunk West said that they were arguing about finances when the strangest thing happened. His wife had fallen to the floor multiple times and was being strangled by a ‘ghost’ and he had nothing to do with it. The police arrested Mr. West for attempted strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. He was also ordered to stay sober. The ghost said it was finally grateful for Mr. West’s arrest, as his drunken outburst were really too much and any fool could see that ghosts just don’t have the hand strength to get a good strangulation in.

I may have to try this ghost-did-it defense with the Twisted Historian, next time I miss a deadline. Share this post, if you think I don’t have a ghost of a chance at success.

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January 15, 2011

Posted on January 15, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 15, 2011, police in Titusville, Florida got a tip that helped them solve an arson at a home on North Dixie Avenue. While sifting through the wreckage of the burned home, they found a suspicious latex glove and inside the glove, they found the severed tip of a finger. Police quickly called the local hospital and were notified that a 24-year-old male, named Ismael Ortiz, was there being treated for having his finger tip cut off. Detective Jessica Edens stated that Ortiz admitted to setting the fire and that when he was trying to get away, “he slammed his finger in the door and it cut the tip off.” Ortiz said he was hired by the house’s resident, Samuel “Sammy” Davis, so he could collect on his renter’s insurance. The police arrested Sammy Davis and found several pieces of evidence that Mr. Davis had removed prior to the arson so they’d be spared from the fire. Mr. Davis might have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for the tip. Oh, it also wasn’t that Sammy Davis you think it was. He died in 1990 and he wouldn’t have hired an amateur. Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra would have pointed him to a professional.

Another cautionary tale about what happens when you don’t hit share Twisted-History. It’s sad, but so easily avoidable.

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January 14, 2019

Posted on January 14, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 14, 2019, 30-year-old Bryan Duane Stewart of Milton, Florida became upset with his neighbors and threatened to “kill’em with kindness.” Kindness was Stewart’s machete. Stewart and his machete, Kindness, were subsequently subdued by sheriff deputies with a Taser and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Meth and alcohol were definitely involved.

Among the great named weapons of mythology, such as Mjolnir, Excalibur, Sting, and Vera; Kindness doesn't rank very high, but as a pun, it's further up the list. Share this post to let us know your machete's name. Bonus points if it’s a pun.

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January 13, 1547

Posted on January 13, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 13, 1547, the Earl of Surrey, Henry Howard was sentenced to death by Henry VIII of England. What got Henry Howard’s neck shortened? He added the arms of King Edward the Confessor to his coat of arms and Henry VIII thought the vain man wasn’t entitled to do so and had his head lopped off. Copyright infringement was taken a lot more seriously in 1547.

According to the Twisted Historian, copyright infringement these days just results in the destruction of the Cybernetic Minion. Needless to say, I am very careful when choosing background images and music for our videos. Share this post, if you think I might want to read up on actual copyright law.

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