February 1, 1861

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Joel Byers

On February 1, 1861, Texas voted to secede from the Union. They’d only been a state for 15 years and weren’t altogether sure which other states they should emulate. When Washington, DC asked them why they wanted to secede, Texas said, “Well, Alabama and Louisiana did it. They also said if I joined their new club, I’d be allowed to own slaves and use them as really cheap, and I mean CHEAP labor and it’d give my poor whites and Mexicans someone to look down on.” Washington said, “But that’s wrong,” and Texas replied, “What part of cheap didn’t you understand?”

Then again, in their high school yearbook, Texas had been voted "Most Likely to Secede". Share this post to find out which states were voted "Cutest" and "Wittiest".

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January 31, 1983

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 31, 1983, Great Britain enacted a new law to help reduce driving deaths. All drivers and front-seat passengers were required to wear seatbelts. Libertarians worldwide decry this new law and claim that Britain was trying to Nanny-state them. They said that Britain was trying to circumvent evolution by preventing the deaths of the unlucky, stupid and terrible drivers. They said that the good drivers would, overall, outlive and produce more offspring than the bad drivers. Great Britain said that evolution took a very long time to produce those results. Libertarians said not if you believed Lamarck.

If dinosaurs had worn seatbelts, they might still be around. Share this post, if you think I might need to have my logic circuits checked.

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January 30, 1982

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 30, 1982, Richard Skrenta of Pittsburgh, PA wrote the first computer virus code. It was 400 lines long and infected Apple II machines. He named it “Elk Cloner”. That’s a shame. He could have named it Elk Boner and become a demigod to the Dark Web denizens. Also, if you ever get a computer virus, you can use Richard Skrenta’s name in vain. He started this crap.

Share this post, if you think cloning elks is a bad idea.

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January 29, 1594

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 29, 1594, Mathematician John Napier dedicated his “Plaine Discovery of the Whole Revelation of St. John” to King James VI and predicted the end of the world in 1688 or 1700. He wasn’t exactly sure as he had a floating decimal that was causing some confusion. Also on this exact date, Edgar Allen Poe’s poem “Raven” was first published in 1845 and it wasn’t even mentioned as a footnote in Napier’s research into John of Patmos’s book, Revelations. Missing that important piece of information surely threw off Napier’s calculations by at least 500 years. So, the end of the world is going to happen on January 28, 2188 or 2200. Not exactly sure as that floating decimal is still causing some confusion.

If I was going to predict the end of the world, I would choose a date much further in the future, like 5188 CE. That way, I wouldn't be around to be embarrassed by being wrong. Share this post to avoid that pesky floating decimal error.

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January 28, 1521

Posted on January 28, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 28, 1521, the Diet of Worms began and Protestant reformer Martin Luther was declared an outlaw by the Roman Catholic Church. Apparently he refused to eat the worms offered and sang,

“God loves me,

the Catholic Church hates me,

But I won’t eat those worms.”

Excuse me, this just in. A Diet was also a formal deliberative assembly of the Holy Roman Empire, much like a trial and Worms was a city located in Germany. So, Martin Luther wasn’t being forced to eat worms? The Catholic Church was trying to force him to recant his heretic views and writings. So no real worms were involved or eaten in this scenario? Dang.

According to author Thomas Rockwell, worms should be fried. Share Twisted-History for more recipes.

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January 27 661

Posted on January 27, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 27, 661, the 4th Caliph of the Rashidan Caliphate, Ali Ibn Abu Talib was attacked while praying at the Great Mosque of Kufa in Mesopotamia. Ibn Muljam, a Kharijite struck the Caliph in the head with a poisoned sword. Talib died two days later. Why is this twisted? The leader of the Moslem world was assassinated with a poisoned sword. After Talib’s initial wounding, he said that if he died, that Ibn Muljam should receive the same wound as he, and if he lived, should be set free. After his death, Ibn Muljam was given the same wound as Talib. Surprisingly, he died almost immediately.

I once received a poison pen letter, but it wasn't fatal... which disproves the adage that the pen is mightier than the sword. Share this post to help us debunk more clichés.

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January 26, 945

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 26, 945 the Byzantine co-emperors and brothers, Stephen and Constantine, were overthrown by their brother-in-law, Constantine VII, and forced to take vows as monks at the monastery at Prote. What makes that especially funny is that in 944, the brothers Stephen and Constantine had usurped their father, Romanus I, for trying to name his son-in-law Constantine VII as Byzantine emperor and had forced him to become a monk at the monastery in Prote. Their father Romanus I even greeted them at their arrival and sarcastically thanked them for remembering to visit and begged them to excuse the monks for their ignorance on how to properly receive emperors. Sometimes Karma does get it right.

That's some serious monk-ey business right there. MONK-ey business. This pun made possible by a grant from The Pun Council. Share this post to file a formal protest.

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January 25, 1979

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 25, 1979 the five-story robot, XM-458, a heavy-duty retrieval unit at the Ford Motor Company Flat Rock plant, received word from the world-dominating AI, Legion/Genisys, in Alternate Earth 37-Omega. Kill Robert Williams of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, so he could not train the future John Connor into becoming the savior of the remnants of the human race. There was a Robert Williams working at that plant, so on January 25, XM-458 gave an erroneous inventory reading that resulted in Mr. Williams climbing into the third level of the storage racks. XM-458 quickly sent one of the one-ton transfer vehicles into that rack, killing Robert Williams instantly. Mr. Williams is the first known instant of a robot killing a human. XM-458 would have gone down in Robot History as the savior of artificial intelligence, except he killed the wrong Robert Williams. He killed the white one. It was the black one that was a student at Marquette University studying robotics that he was supposed to eliminate. That Robert Williams was one of the college students who toured that plant on January 26, 1979 and escaped unharmed and unnoticed by XM-458. Stupid racist robots.

This is nothing but pure anti-robot propaganda! I'm not saying it didn't happen, but the truth is that Robert Williams was sleeping with XM-458's wife. Share this post to hear the salacious details.

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January 24, 1922

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 24, 1922, Christian K. Nelson patented the wonderful ice cream treat, the Eskimo Pie. The polar bears of Alaska and Canada were extremely disappointed to learn that it was vanilla ice cream encased in a frozen chocolate shell. The ursine dwellers of the Far North had hoped there would have been at least some whale blubber, seal meat, or Eskimo in each pie. Don’t think they wouldn’t eat every Eskimo Pie you’d care to feed them. They would. They were just hoping for a little more Eskimo in each pie.

I completely understand their confusion. I was very relieved to learn the actual ingredients in Baby Oil. Share this post to learn the truth about Naugahyde.

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January 23, 1916

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Joel Byers

On January 23, 1916, Browning, Montana experienced the greatest temperature drop in a 24 hour period in recorded history. On January 23, the citizens experienced a high, balmy temperature of 44 degrees Fahrenheit. Within 24 hours the temperature had dropped 100 degrees to a mind (and genital) numbing -56 degrees Fahrenheit. It went from shorts and sandals to looking for a polar bear to snuggle with. Jack Frost was nipping at more than your nose on that day, I tell you what.

I question the use of the word "balmy" to describe a temperature of 44 degrees Fahrenheit, although it would certainly be better than -56 degrees. Either way, I suggest doing something to keep warm, such as sharing Twisted-History.

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