SantaCo: December 2022

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The Twisted Historian wrote a book!

Front Cover Back Cover

The Department of Historical Significance is the smallest, most poorly funded State Agency in Georgia. The DHS was chartered by the State of Georgia to protect and identify areas and objects of historical significance and value from Georgia’s past. Unfortunately that includes ghosts, demons, and other paranormal beings. It is Randel Rodney Behl’s job to identify and protect those ghosts, demons, and other paranormal beings. He wishes they would all die.

Available in paperback and Kindle formats!

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March 5, 1989

On March 5, 1989, in Columbia, South Carolina, convicted killer Michael Godwin died by irony. Mr. Godwin had just recently had his murder sentence lessened from frying in the electric-chair to life in prison. On March 5, 1989, Mr. Godwin was sitting naked on his cell’s toilet when he decided to do a little prison electro-engineering. Inmates at the Central Correctional Institute who had exhibited good behavior were allowed to have small televisions in their cells, but had to listen to them using earphones. Mr. Godwin’s earphones had quit working and he was attempting to fix them. Not having any tools except for his teeth, that’s what he used, while sitting on a metal toilet seat, while naked. Since the earphones were plugged into a working television, a live current went through his mouth, through his heart, through his naked butt and into the metal of the toilet seat completing the circuit. Mr. Godwin died by electrocution. The fate he had thought he’d escaped. You can’t make this shit up. Someone point out to Alanis Morissette this was true irony.

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February 28, 2013

On February 28, 2013, Pope Benedict XVI retired as the pope of the Catholic Church at the spry young age of 85, the first to do so since Pope Gregory XII in 1415. All the others had died while on the job, obviously needing the money. Pope Benny Boy had obviously made some good investments after World War II in Argentina and was looking forward to his new kidneys and liver that was being grown on his clone-farms in the Andes Mountains separating Argentina and Chile.

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February 27, 1813

On February 27, 1813, the American government passed the first federal regulation on vaccination, the Act to Encourage Vaccination,” which was used to vaccinate the population against smallpox. This was when the Reptilian Overlords of Gliese 832 first started putting microchips in selected American citizens to measure their fat to muscle ratio to determine who was going to be eaten first. The Act was repealed in 1822 when the Glieseans started coming down with clogged arteries and diabetes.

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February 26, 2011

On February 26, 2011, Allen Jones and his wife, Aleisha, of Bay Minette, Alabama played and lost Redneck Bingo. On the 26th, Allen decided to carry his truck-pistol, a .40 Glock (in Alabama, you have guns you keep in your car as a fashion accessory just in case a libtard wins a local election) inside his house. Unfortunately, he tripped, fell, and accidentally shot himself in the leg. He started screaming for his wife to help him, because getting shot in the leg hurts. She was bathing their young son and rushed outside, as did their naked child. She reached for the gun, but the young boy got to it first and grabbed it. When Aleisha tried to take the Glock away from him, the naked boy shot her in the neck. Accidentally, they say. Neighbors heard the commotion and gunfire and called 911. The police and ambulance arrived and carried both parents to the hospital. No charges were filed and both parents were in stable conditions. The naked, gun-toting toddler wasn’t charged, but the police did try and explain why a center-mass shot was more reliable and easier to hit than a head-shot. Too many times you miss the head completely and graze the neck.

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February 25, 1956

On February 25, 1956, Soviet Leader Nikita Khrushchev gave a speech before the Communist Party in Moscow. In his speech, ‘On the Cult of Personality and Its Consequences’, Khrushchev criticized former Soviet leader, Josef Stalin. Khrushchev was no fool, as Stalin had been dead for three years and he’d made sure that Stalin had a wooden stake driven into his heart and was buried face down. No one wanted Stalin digging his way out.


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February 24, 2006

On February 24, 2006, scientists at the Sandia National Laboratories in Albuquerque, New Mexico published an amazing accomplishment in the ‘Physical Review Letters’, a national scientific review journal. Chris Deeney, a scientist exploring the mysterious that ‘man was not meant to know’ gushed that his team of researchers had just produced superheated gas that exceeded 2 billion degrees Kelvin or for the non-scientists in the room, 3.6 billion degrees Fahrenheit. He said that’s hotter than the interior of the sun, in fact it’s even hotter than Jessica Alba in ‘Sin City’. Deeney said the craziest part of the experiment, even after completing it multiple times and getting the same results, was that he and his cadre of researchers had no idea of what was making the temperature explode into the billions of degrees. He said it shouldn’t be happening. But he said it is New Mexico, so it is a dry heat.

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February 23, 1574

On February 23, 1574, France began the 5th holy war against the Huguenots. Why? Because the first four just weren’t holy enough and didn’t carry the sparkle that God demanded when the Catholics and Protestants went to killing each other. He said that if he wanted to see a down and dirty knuckle-buster, he’d just watch the various Islamic sects decide who was going to get the 72 virgins. He expected some high-class slaughter when the French killed each other in his name. Which was Steve, by the way. Steve Jehovah. He wished more people would get that right.

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February 22, 1984

On February 22, 1984, the US Census Bureau statistics showed that the state of Alaska was the fastest growing state of the decade with an increase in population of 19.2 percent. When presented with its award, the state of Alaska said it wanted to thank the McMurty family of Fairbanks for being Catholic and refusing to watch TV after 9PM.

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