July 8, 1947

On this date in 1947, Thor Heyerdahl, adventurer and captain of the balsa-wood raft the “Kon-Tiki” was floating on the Pacific ocean when news of a “space-ship crash” at Roswell, New Mexico was broadcasted. Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, Heyerdahl was a space alien from a near-earth planet located in a star-system located on the outer edge of Bode’s Galaxy. In 1944 he had received a message from his ansible informing him of a space-fleet invasion by the Zrogodians in Earth year 1947 during the month of July. The Zrogadians are a grey-skinned, large-eyed race that had conquered the Pin Wheel Galaxy and were looking to expand their influence. As any intelligent being confronted with the prospect of meeting a Zrogodian face-to-face, Heyerdahl decided to build a balsa-wood raft and sail from Peru to the Tuamotu Islands, leaving civilization to fend for itself. On April 28, 1947, Thor Heyerdahl and his five space alien buddies launched the “Kon-Tiki” from the coast of Peru, and informed the local government that it was just for a test-drive, not to wait around, as it was only going to be about a four hour tour, when in reality they knew it would take about 100 days, just enough time to escape the worst of the Zrogodian Invasion planned for July.

On July 7th, 1947 a single spacecraft crashed in the desert around Roswell, New Mexico and a single Zrogodian emerged, unscathed and healthy, and was surrounded by soldiers from the Roswell Army Airfield. Major Jesse Marcel was quoted as saying “When that big-eyed, grey-skinned bastard pulled himself from the wreckage of that space-saucer thingy, the first thing he said was ‘Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior’ and tried to hand me a ‘Watch-Tower’, so we shot the sumbitch.”

On July 8th, 1947, the Roswell Army Air Field (RAAF) public information officer Walter Haut, issued a press release that the Army had recovered a “flying disc”. Later that day they issued a new press release that said, “First, it wasn’t a disc, it was a weather balloon that was reflecting sunlight off the planet Venus that was understandably mistaken for luminescence swamp gas. That is all.”

On August 7th, 1947 when the “Kon-Tiki” reached Tuamota Island and Thor Heyerdahl found that the world wasn’t controlled by the Zrogodians, he called President Truman and asked what happened with the Zrogodian invasion. Truman told him that the US of A had a shoot on sight all ‘Space Alien Jehovah Witnesses’. Heyerdahl was heard to say, “Well damn, you’re allowed to shot them? What an elegant solution. HEEEEYYYY!!! I just spent 3 months on a leaky raft with farting smelly men and I could have just shot the Zrogodian?! My people are idiots! Maybe I can get a book deal out of this or something. I know, I can call it ‘101 days on a small leaky raft with farting smelly men’. Lucky for Thor, his editor changed the title to “Kon-Tiki: Across the Pacific In A Raft”.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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