April 4, 1581

On April 4, 1581, Sir Francis Drake was knighted by Queen Elizabeth I. This was due to his feat of being the first captain to circumnavigate the world and not die in the attempt. Ferdinand Magellan was the first captain to start an attempt as a sea voyage from 1519 to 1522, but he died in the Philippines and Juan Sebastian Elcano had to finish the trip for him. So, just like in NASCAR, since Magellan started the trip, he gets credit for completing it, even though Elcano had to substitute as captain. It does need to be noted that Drake’s trip was protested by the Square-Earthers of that time. They said that since the Earth is shaped like a gambling dice, Drake’s ship, the Golden Hind, would never have been able to crest the huge pyramid shaped waves that had to be there. But since it was 1581, and people knew what idiots the Square-Earthers were, they just pelted them with rotten fruit and animal feces and told them to shut up.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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2 Responses to April 4, 1581

  1. Fat-Earther says:

    You think you’re so funny, but we know what your stupid “Square-Earthers” are really making fun of and it’s not funny! Nobody seriously thinks the Earth is square but you already know that. Some people think the world is round and some people think the world is flat, but we know the truth. The world is actually pear-shaped.

    Admittedly, our group first got its name from a typo on our web site, but the science backs it up. You’re probably laughing right now, but if you take the time to do some real research, the facts are irrefutable. Mathematically, there’s no other shape the Earth can possibly be but pear-shaped. IT’S A SCIENCE FACT!

    It’s not that we don’t have a sense of humor, ‘cos we do. It’s just that it’s not funny. We can laugh at the silly Globists and Flat-Earthers, with their goofy ideas about the shape of the Earth, but Square-Earthers aren’t even a real thing! Embrace the reality of the Fat-Earth and the funny will follow… not because Fat-Earthers are funny, ‘cos we’re not. It’s just that knowing the Truth will make it easier to make funny of the crazy people.

    You’re welcome!

  2. One Year Later says:

    If it wasn’t already, the world has definitely gone all pear-shaped now.

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