June 9, 1549

On June 9, 1549, the Book of Common Prayer was adopted by the Church of England. Over the lips, through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes, was not included. All though there were sections on the begging for an earlier death than expected of a spouse, success on a test that wasn’t studied for, fatal accidents for rivals to the throne, calamities for France, Acts of God against Spain, tidal waves and ferocious storms for the Netherlands, and prayers about love for all mankind, except for Catholics.

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June 8, 1989

On June 8, 1989, the National League baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 10 runs in the 1st inning against opponent Philadelphia, which prompted confident Pirate broadcaster, and ex-baseball player, Jim Rooker to declare on the air, that if the Pirates lost this game, he’d walk from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia. The Pirates lost 15 to 11. Rooker made good on his boast at seasons end and started his 300 mile charity walk on October 5 and finished it on October 17 averaging 23 miles a day. God was so surprised that Jim Rooker actually finishing that walk, that he caused an earthquake to happen in Northern California to postpone the baseball World Series.

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June 7, 2017

On June 7, 2017, the police in the African country of Mozambique warned men of the dangers of being bald. Criminals were going around and decapitating bald men for the gold that they believed was in their heads. And not for the gold in their teeth, such as crowns and dentures, but because witchdoctors were telling people that bald men had gold inside their skulls and only they could get it out. When asked why the witchdoctors were doing this, the police stated that they believed it was a ruse by the witchdoctors to get body parts on the cheap for other spells from stupid people that might believe them. Officials in Mozambique stated that five bald men had already been murdered for their bald heads. Bald men in Mozambique started wearing caps, hats and wigs to hide from the stupid criminals, but they were secretly elated because someone finally wanted them, bald head and all.

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June 6, 1988

On June 6, 1988, the cartoon superhero, Mighty Mouse was accused by the American Family Association (AFA) of using cocaine on a recently aired episode. The cartoon’s producers were saddened by the stupidity and general tight-assedness of the AFA, as Mighty Mouse was obviously smelling some flowers that had been crushed by a bully. And if the AFA knew as much about drugs as they claimed, they’d know it wasn’t cocaine that Mighty Mouse was sniffing, it was opium.

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June 5, 1994

On June 5, 1994, 12 year-old Vicki Van Meter took off from Maine in a Cessna 210 and flew to Scotland. She followed the route that Amelia Earhart had previously taken and became the youngest female pilot to cross the Atlantic. Thus scientifically proving that a woman’s sense of direction doesn’t become muddled and confused until around the age of 15 or 16, thereafter requiring them to use a map or Garmin to find their way from one city to the next.

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June 4, 1876

On June 4, 1876, an express train, called the Transcontinental Express, arrived in San Francisco 83 hours and 39 minutes (3 days and 12 hours) after leaving New York City. To put this in perspective, the wagon trains of the 1840s and 1850s, with good weather, would take about five months to make the 2,000 mile journey from Missouri to California. On horseback, it would take a man 70 to 80 days to go from New York City to San Francisco. This express train had just done something no one had thought possible. This was science fiction for the time. A machine made a journey in 3 and a half days, that in the very recent past would have taken a solitary man and animal 70 to 80 days and a family in a wagon train about 6 months to cross that 3,000 miles. So, when you are sitting at your computer playing a video game that people in the 1920s would swear was witchcraft, people in 1876 had their own incredible technology moment, when a train made a trip in 3 days that had until recently taken anywhere from 70 days to 6 months.

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June 3, 1989

On June 3, 1989, Iran’s spiritual leader, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, died in Tehran. Upon entering the afterlife, he was immediately provided with his 72 virgins. Unfortunately for Khomeini, they were all men who had lived in their grandmothers’ basements and listened to Rush Limbaugh on the radio and were fans of the Philadelphia Phillies. They also had hairy backs and bragged about how their hot girl friends were from Canada and that’s why no one had ever met them. Sometimes you get exactly what you deserve.

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June 2, 1994

On June 2, 1994, Ned Andrews won the 67th National Spelling Bee when he spelled the word antediluvian. Antediluvian, of or belonging to the time before the biblical Flood. Dark horse candidate Burton ‘Gus’ Guster bowed out when he missed the word aggiornamento. Aggiornamento, bringing up to date as in a Vatican Council. Super, super dark horse candidate Shawn Spencer was disqualified when he refused to stop adding nananana’s to the word banana. It is believed that he knew when to stop, but just refused to.

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June 1, 1896

On June 1, 1896, the first recorded automobile theft happened in Paris, France. Early automobile enthusiast Baron de Zuylen’s Peugot went missing. He’d taken it to the manufacturer for repairs and the mechanic, after fixing it, drove it like he stole it to the nearby town of Asnieres. As a matter of fact, he did steal it. Unfortunately for him, in 1896 there weren’t that many automobiles in the world, so it was easy for the police to find it. It was subsequently recovered and returned to the Baron. The name of the thief and his reason for stealing the car were not recorded, but since gasoline was not being sold at every corner store in 1896, it is wondered how the mechanic planned on continually driving the car, or was it a theft where he planned to immediately resale it? Since it wasn’t considered important enough to record, we’ll never know now.

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May 31, 1995

On May 31, 1995, Kansas Senator and past and future, Presidential Wannabe, Bob Dole singled out and criticized Time Warner for the ‘marketing of evil’ in movies and music. Dole later admitted that he hadn’t seen or heard much of what he’d been criticizing. To fully understand how much he really goofed, think about your Aunt Linda on Facebook. She reads the title to a post and immediately, without reading the full post or the articles attached to the post or going to an actual school and learning about science and math and chemistry, she starts into one of her anti-vax, homeopathic, because God said so rants, and then learns, the post wasn’t what she thought it was about. And she doesn’t apologize or admit she’s wrong, she just disappears for a couple of days. That’s what Bob Dole did. Though he still thought that modern movies and music were bad and unnecessarily sexualized. And he still believed that young woman shouldn’t shake their hinnies on TV. They should do it in a dark and smoke-filled strip-club where God intended it to happen.

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