November 27, 2018

On November 27, 2018, Arizona Man decided to give Florida Man a run for his money. The Buckeye Arizona police department was called to respond to a disturbance at the local Walmart. Apparently a 2nd Amendmenter had decided to carry his unholstered pistol beneath his waistband. In Arizona this is legal, as it doesn’t require a permit or a holster, to legally carry a gun. The pistol-packing patriot was in the meat department when he felt the urge to adjust his junk (and by junk, I mean his pistol), when he accidently pulled the trigger and shot his sausage off. Yep. He de-penised himself in the meat department at Walmart. You can’t make this stuff up. The Buckeye police department and the local hospital both refused to identify the man as he hadn’t committed a crime, he’d just accidently Bruce Jenner’ed himself.

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November 26, 1965

On November 26, 1965, France became the third country to enter space when it launched its first satellite, the Diamant-A. Who else knew the French were also belated involved with the Space Race? I mean besides some sad French school kids in 1965 who were forced to chant, “Nous sommes numéro trois! Nous sommes numéro trois!”

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November 25, 1970

On November 25, 1970, author Yukio Mishima and a compatriot committed seppuku (a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment) after their unsuccessful coup attempt to take over Japan. Exactly 50 years later in America, when unelected President Donald Trump’s coup attempt fell flat, he was told what Yukio Mishima did to preserve his honor. It is said that Donald Trump turned to Rudy Giuliani and said, “Hey Rudy, I’ve still got those bone-spurs since the Vietnam War, could you do that seppekookoo thing for me?”

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November 24, 1615

On November 24, 1615, French King Louis XIII married Ann of Austria. They were both fourteen years old. Many non-historians have pointed to the relatively young age of some of the royal weddings to insisted that everyone was getting married at a young age prior to the 1950s, especially for girls. That just isn’t true. Death and marriage records out of England and France since the 1500s have shown that the average age of the first marriage for young women who weren’t nobility, was between 20 to 24 years of age. Apparently fathers and mothers of the working class loved their daughters even back then and knew that getting pregnant after 20 years of age increased their chances to survive childbirthing. Facts; busting common myths that everyone knows to be true.

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November 23, 1963

On November 23, 1963, the BBC broadcast “An Unearthly Child” starring William Hartnell. This was the first episode of the first story of the first series of “Doctor Who”, which has become the longest running television science fiction feature. It is pretty good, but it is no “Inspector Spacetime”.

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November 22, 1985

On November 22, 1985, the largest swearing-in ceremony for new citizens happened in Los Angeles, California. 38,648 immigrants became US citizens. The people who were going to live in New York and New Jersey were required to used #$&@, *^&&$!!(*^%^, and &(#$&@%?%^.

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November 21, 1676

On November 21, 1676, famous Danish astronomer Ole Romer presented the first quantitative measurement of the speed of light. He said it was “Hurtigere end smurt gåseskit” which equated to 212,000 km/s. This was amazingly close for 1676, as the actual speed of light is ”Hurtigere end et lille barns fingre” which translate to 299,792 km/s.

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November 20, 1983

On November 20, 1983, an estimated 100 million people watched the controversial ABC-TV movie “The Day After”. This movie depicted the outbreak and some of the consequences of nuclear war. Forty-two year old Wyoming Congressman, Dick Cheney, was watching that movie and thought to himself, “We’re out here in Wyoming. We could survive that shit. Alright, alright, alright. Bring it on Comrade Yuri Andropov, let’s see what you got.” Cheney then stuck his opera-length cigarette-holder between his lips, settled his top-hat on his balding head reached for his swallow-tail coat and yelled at his wife, “LYNNE where’s my umbrella? Feed the attack penguins. We’re going back to Washington, where I’m going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND BECOME VICE-PRESIDENT!” It could have happened.

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November 19, 1969

On November 19, 1969, Apollo 12’s astronauts, Charles Conrad and Alan Bean, made mankind’s second landing on the Moon. It really happened contrary to what idiot flat-earthers believe. Why did America go back so fast after the first landing on July 20, 1969? Was it because Buzz Aldrin left his wallet up there? Or was it because Neil Armstrong took the key to the Ark of the Covenant and left it there on the Moon’s surface as instructed by Warehouse 13, but Cthulhu was threatening to break out of his prison beneath the Pentagon and President Nixon knew that his vice-president Agnew would not be an adequate sacrifice? No. America went back within months for the same reason a second atomic bomb was dropped on Japan. To prove to the world that the first time wasn’t a fluke. Although I wouldn’t be surprise that the Cthulhu, key, Agnew thing really happened.

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November 18, 1883

On November 18, 1883, American and Canadian railroads, with the cooperation of their federal governments, instituted five standard continental time zones, which ended the confusion of thousands of separate local times. That’s right, in the United States and Canada, cities and towns just a few miles apart would and did have separate times. It could be 11:30 AM in Podunk, Iowa and three miles up the road in Podunkadunk, it would be 11:00 AM. And. And. Just a few miles more up the road in Podunkadunkadunk, it would be 11:45 AM. Railroads have got to run on precise time schedules to prevent trains from crashing into each other. The fix went in and just like you’d think, people weren’t happy. Each place wanted their time to be the one that matter. But Big Railroad didn’t care and the fix stuck and trains didn’t crash into each other because they were running on different time schedules. Sometimes Big Government actually helps. Well, more than sometimes.

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