March 19, 1915

On March 19, 1915, cheeky Pluto photobombed Lowell Observatory when they were actively searching for the mysterious ninth planet theorized by American astronomers Percival Lowell and William Pickering. Unfortunately for Lowell and his assistants, they didn’t realize how shy and bashful and faint Pluto was in the picture and did not recognize it in the background. It wasn’t until after 1930, when Pluto was finally discovered by Clyde Tombaugh using the equipment at the Lowell Observatory, that they went back and noticed the photograph taken in 1915 and found Pluto hiding in the background.

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March 18, 1966

On March 18, 1966, the Scott Paper company began selling disposable paper dresses for $1. They even launched clothing lines of paper underwear and paper bikinis. By 1968, this fad did die out, as the paper clothes were uncomfortable and the print would rub off on the wearer’s skin and the paper-cuts could be unfortunately, intimate. On a related note, from 1966 to 1968, water-pistols sold like hot-cakes.

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March 17, 1991

On March 17, 1991, at the New York City Saint Patrick’s Day parade, the Irish Lesbians and Gays officially marched for the first time as a group. Mayor David N. Dinkins gave up his spot at the front of the parade to march with the Irish Lesbians and Gays, who were led by Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. The two lesbians co-leading the group refused to give their names when interviewed as they said their grandmothers weren’t aware that they were lesbians. Mrs. O’Flaherty, Mrs. O’Brien, Mrs. Donnelly, and Mrs. Smith all called up and said, “Yes, Lisa and Mary. We know you’re lesbians. We’ve known for a very long time. And even though Father Milo says what you’re doing is a sin, Sunday dinner is at 2, and we still expect you to be at one of our houses every Sunday.”

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March 16, 1871

On March 16, 1871, the state of Delaware, enacted the first fertilizer law in the United States. Contrary to popular belief, it didn’t state that you couldn’t stuff 60 lbs of poo into a 50 lb bag, instead, it taxed the commercial fertilizer companies on how much ‘commercial’ fertilizer they made. Delaware in the late 1800s didn’t enact laws that made sure that the people making fertilizer didn’t put poison into the fertilizer, they just needed money, and taxing the volume of fertilizer being made was easy and convenient. They did leave the organic stuff untaxed, because if they didn’t, the Delaware farmers would have had to train their cows and pigs to walk over to the Maryland and Pennsylvania state lines and poo across the borders.

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March 15, 1493

On March 15, 1493, Columbus returned to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. When he met with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, they eagerly asked if he had brought them gold and spices, like the explorers who went East toward Asia. Columbus said no, but he did get them personalized keychains for their royal frigates. They were unimpressed. Columbus then gave them salt and pepper shakers adorned with seashells. Ferdinand and Isabella gave him the stink-eye for that gift. He then broke out the T-shirts that said, “Columbus went to the New World and All I got was this Lousy T-shirt.” Isabella glared at Columbus and said, “If this is it, you’re in big trouble, mister.” Columbus then hurriedly brought in the turkeys, pineapples, tobacco, and slaves. Ferdinand and Isabella perked up and said, “That’s what we’re talking about. Here’s some more money to go back. Bring us back more of this tobacco and slaves, and this time, find us some gold.” Which he did.

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March 14, 1979

On March 14, 1979, the United States Census Bureau reported that 95% of all Americans were married or would get married. They arrived at this conclusion by deducing that the natural condition of man was to go from happy and carefree to burdened with the knowledge that he is responsible for the preparation of the next generation. The Bible showed that with the story of Adam and Eve. At first they are carefree and living the good life in the Garden of Eden, then they get a little knowledge and self-awareness, and everything goes to shit in a second and their landlord kicks them out. They’ve got kids, and bills, and no time to party and they’re working 60 hour weeks just to pay the bills. The Census Bureau said it is a no-win situation. They said that all college graduates just need to pick the first person who doesn’t make them vomit in the morning, get married, and start the long, slow process to their eventual death at age 74. In 1979, the Census Bureau was staffed by 40 to 50 year-old married men and women with teenagers and mortgages.

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March 13, 1781

On March 13, 1781, English astronomer, William Herschel, ran to his sister, Caroline Herschel, who was also an astronomer, and excitedly told her that he had just discovered Uranus. He babbled on how it was so big and gassy, it was strange that no one had noticed it before. Later, he went to the Astronomer Royal, Nevil Maskelyne, who was the person appointed by the King of England to handle and document all things planetary, and reported his findings. While jotting down notes about Herschel’s discovery of the new planet, he curiously asked about Herschel’s massive black eye. Herschel replied, “Caroline, meine schwester, was not enamored of my choice of the name for the new planet. She thinks that calling it George’s Planet after the King, might reduce future misunderstandings and quell schoolboy snickerings when they study astronomy.” Maskelyne replied, “Preposterous! What is queer about saying Ur-a-nus, the Greek God of the Sky?” “Nothing when you say it like that,” Herschel muttered as he rubbed his eye.

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March 12, 1969

March 12, 1969, the fame seeking Sgt Norman Pilcher of the Drugs Squad, raided the home of George and Patti Harrison in Esher, Surrey, UK, while they were at the wedding of Paul McCartney. They claimed to have found 120 cannibis joints at the home. Years later when this event was recounted to Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson, they both said at the same time, “Just a normal Tuesday for us.”

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March 11, 1986

March 11, 1986, marked the 1 millionth day since the founding of Rome which happened on approximately April 21, 753 BC. If Rome survives another million days, that observance would take place on February 6, 4724 CE. At that time we’ll either have spaceflight and be exploring other solar systems or we’ll be reduced to Stone Age agriculture because we screwed our planet up. If Rome was to survive a total of a billion days, that anniversary would fall on April 17, 2737155 CE., which is 2,735,000 years from now, and I’m sure ‘Friends’ re-runs will still be airing on whatever forms of entertainment have developed. Team Joey! Woooooooo! How you doin?

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March 10, 1876

On March 10, 1876, the first telephone call was between Alexander Graham Bell and his assistant. It was recorded that Mr. Bell said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you.” The lesser known second call was also between Mr. Bell and Mr. Watson and it went like this.

 

“Ahoy Hoy!”

“Ahoy Hoy to you, Mr. Bell!”

“What are you doing this fine afternoon, Mr. Watson?”

“Working on another of your inventions, sir.”

“That’s grand.”

“Certainly, sir.”

“Any thing else to report, Mr. Watson?”

“No sir.”

“Well, then, good-bye Watson.”

“Good-bye, Mr. Bell.”

“Have you hung up yet?”

“No sir.”

“Well, hang up.”

“No, sir, you hang up.”

“No, you hang up.”

“It would be most impolite if I hung up on you, sir.”

“Not if I tell you too, so hang up, Mr. Watson.”

“Twould still be impolite, sir, so you must hang up first.”

“Do you want to be paid for this week’s work, Mr. Watson.”

‘CLICK. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

 

And so ended the second telephone call in history.

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