May 29, 1912

On May 29, 1912, the man decided to humbug the joy of fifteen working girls at the Curtis Publishing Company in Philadelphia, PA. During their lunch break they decided to try that snazzy new dance, the Turkey Trot, and their bossman fired the lot of them. The old cats were being stuffed shirts, just because the Vatican had denounced the dance as being too offensively suggestive. But everyone at that office was Baptist or Methodist or Episcopalian, so the girls thought it would be okay. Apparently even Protestants over the age of 30 felt the dance was immoral. It was just a bunch of old geezers trying to gum up the works of the keen kids having fun.

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May 28, 2020

Today, on May 28, 2020, it has once again come to the Twisted Historian’s attention, that science deniers are twits. Doesn’t matter if you buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, repost the nonsense from the fraudulent Dr. Mecola, believe the idiot conspiracy theories of Alex Jones, or voted for Donald Trump because he makes you feel good for hating blacks, gays and Jews, you science deniers, believers in ‘fake news’ are all despicable halfwits. Because of your need to feel special, that you have knowledge no one else does, you are actively harming other people. COVID-19 is real. People are really dying, with almost 100,000 in the US alone as of today. COVID-19 is not just another strain of the flu. It is a big deal and it is slaughtering people over the age of 65 throughout the nation. It is killing people of all ages with pre-existing lung diseases. It is infectious. It is easily spread from one person to another. Wearing a mask in public doesn’t just protect you, it protects everyone around you. Wearing a mask is not cowardice, it is an act of empathy and caring. Not wearing a mask is an open act of callousness and apathy toward your neighbors. If you are an adult, you should not have to be reminded of the responsibilities you have for your community. Remember, your freedoms end where your neighbors’ bodies begin, and that includes sharing a communicable disease with them. Grow up you barely intelligent, fact-hating, snowflakes. The world is not flat, the world is more than 6,000 years old, and the American Civil War was fought because the South would not give up slavery. It doesn’t matter how much you attack other people for telling the truth, it will not change it. Grow up and help stop the spread of this disease before it kills someone you care about.

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May 27, 1961

Today, May 27, 1961, it is believed that the first black light was sold commercially to the general public. There is no confirmation of when, where, or to whom the black light was sold. Which is appropriate, as this sale ushered in the psychedelic sixties, for soon after, the pervasive use of illegal drugs, especially hallucinogenics, spread throughout the United States. People saw things, man. Trippy things. Weird things. Black light posters were sold, dude. They say it was a groovy time. Hey, is that a Scooby snack? Cool. Far out, it’s like, I’m walking through M.C. Escher’s drawing “Relativity’, cat-man. Am I coming or are you going? Peace.

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May 26, 946

Today, May 26, 946 CE, King Edmund I of England was murdered. According to the chronicler John of Worcester, a convicted outlaw named Leofa attacked an unnamed seneschal of Edmund’s during a celebration of St. Augustine’s Mass Day at Pucklechurch in Gloucestershire, England. Edmund was stabbed to death by Leofa when he came to the aid of the seneschal. Now, much later, a few scholars believe that the sketchy details of the unnamed seneschal and a conveniently placed ‘outlaw’ doesn’t ring true. They believe that Edmund was assassinated by political rivals. There was a second stabber and there was a coverup. So, even 1,300 years ago, the people in charge were spinning the truth to tell a story that benefited the ones in power. Different millennial, same old story.

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May 25, 2020

Today, May 25, 2020, is the 20th observance of Towel Day. This is the day when all hoopy froods know where their towels are, just in case a Vogon Battlecruiser is in an abducting mood. Rest well Douglas Adams and thanks for all the fish.

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May 24, 2018

On May 24, 2018, US President Donald Trump posthumously pardoned the black American boxer Jack Johnson for the crime of transporting a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes, which was a violation of the Mann Act. In November 1912 Johnson was arrested for the crime of travelling with Belle Schreiber, a white, alleged prostitute and was convicted by an all-white jury in June of 1913. He was sentenced to a year and a day in prison. When Donald Trump heard about this injustice he said, “This is a problem. A massive problem. The Blacks will have to love me now. I’m setting this right for them. I mean, who HASN’T transported a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes. That’s the only reason to take them to Atlantic City. If that was still a crime, the Dummycrats would have me under the jail, wouldn’t they? Hey. I know. I’ll tweet about it. Let the Blacks know I’m doing this for them. Go get Ben Carson. I need him be here when I sign it so the Blacks will know that I’m doing it for them.” So, an injustice was corrected by a man doing it for his own personal benefit.

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May 23, 1618

On May 23, 1618, a new word entered the World’s lexicon. The Protestant citizens of Prague got mad at their ruling elite and decided to throw the two Regents and their secretary out of a third-floor window. The three men survived the 70-foot fall. This was not the first time that the bully boys of Prague had thrown their politicians out of a window. No, this was the THIRD time. The first time in 1419, the fall killed the judge, the burgomeister, and the councilers. The second time in 1483, the angry mob threw the burgomeister and the seven pre-killed dead councilors from the upper story windows. The fall did kill the burgomeister. After the third time, the Praguians decided they needed a word for throwing someone through a window. They realized it had become a ‘thing’ in Prague and might be used by angry mobs or disgruntled rich husbands worldwide and the action needed a name. For some weird reason they settled on defenestration, which is the action of throwing someone through a window. Not to their deaths, although that is the preferred result, but the action of tossing a man, or woman, through a window. Also, they can’t jump on their own or accidentally fall, but they have to be thrown out against their will. They can be dead before they are thrown and that still counts. To sum up, if you are a member of an angry mob, and your local politicians have upset you, and you have a multi-story building, defenestration is an acceptable method of angry mob justice. And for the know-it-all buttzinkis, yes. Yes you can throw them out of a first floor window and it counts, it just doesn’t have the oomph that a third-floor window carries, no matter how many Western barfights you’ve seen on TV.

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May 22, 1892

On May 22, 1892, Dr. Washington Sheffield, dental surgeon, invented the toothpaste tube. He also provided instructions on how to use the tube. The instructions were; 1. With thine fingers might, apply a gentle vise-like squeeze upon the far-end of the tube of paste, causing said paste to gently flow from the tube’s aperture that is conveniently located at the tube’s other end. 2. Remember to always uniformly squeeze the paste from the end furtherest from the aperture. 3. Under no circumstances is the tube of paste to be ever squeezed from the middle. 4. Only an uncouth mad-man or woman would squeeze the tube of paste from the middle. 5. I mean it. DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TUBE FROM THE MIDDLE YOU UNEDUCATED HILLBILLY! 6. You are squeezing from the middle? Even after I told you not too? Why did you even buy this quality tooth paste? Do you even have enough teeth to brush? Just stop abusing my tube of tooth paste. Just stop. Go. Just use baking soda and your finger like the uneducated and unrefined bumpkins you are. BAH! HEPZIBAH! TO HADES WITH YOU!     Yes, Dr. Sheffield really meant for his tube of toothpaste to be used correctly. And the toilet paper goes under, not over and you wipe from the back to the front, you animals.

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May 21, 1918

On May 21, 1918, the US House of Representatives passed the Amendment that allow women the right to vote. The male representatives reminded women that they weren’t required to vote and no one could force them to, if they didn’t want to. But they could if they wanted to, but it wasn’t required. They also reminded them that if they weren’t sure who to vote for, they could always ask their husbands to help them.

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May 20, 1926

On May 20, 1926, American entrepreneur Thomas Edison proclaimed that his fellow Americans preferred silent movies over the new-fangled talkies. In other breaking news, Edison also determined that Americans preferred walking over riding in or driving a car, listening to ‘Bye Bye Blackbird’ being sung by their tone-deaf Aunt Mildred over hearing it sung by Gene Austin on the radio, or using the Sears and Roebuck catalog over actual, soft toilet paper. Edison’s fellow Americans said, “Nuh-uh!” and told him to get with the times. It was 1926, not 1906.

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