February 20, 1280

On February 20, 1280 CE, the Japanese Imperil Court ordered all the temples and shrines to pray for victory in the impending second Mongol invasion. The Great Flying Spaghetti Monster must have liked the constant begging from the Japanese, as more than a year later, on August 14, 1281, he sent a typhoon to destroy Kublai Khan’s fleet of 3,500 ships. All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his love of ramen.

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February 19, 1980

On February 19, 1980, Bon Scott, the lead singer for AC/DC died in London, England at the age of 33. Mr. Scott died the way many rock stars have gone. After a night of heavy drinking, drugging and fornicating, he choked to death on his own vomit. He joined the list that includes Jimi Hendricks, John Bonham, Tommy Dorsey, and Eric Childs.

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February 18, 1930

On February 18, 1930, Elm Farm Ollie, a Guernsey cow, was the first cow to be flown on an airplane. Another first that happened on that flight was that she was also the first cow to be milked while flown on an airplane. This was done to supposedly allow scientists to observe the in-flight effects on a large mammal, but it was mostly done as a publicity stunt. The milk from the mid-air milking was sealed in paper cartons and parachuted to the spectators below. At least it wasn’t live turkeys being kicked out of a helicopter as a Thanksgiving stunt.

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February 17, 1600

On February 17, 1600, Italian philosopher, Giordano Bruno, was on his way to be burned at the stake for heresy, when his handlers put a stake through his tongue to shut him the hell up. Why was Bruno sentenced to die? Because he proposed that the distance stars were in fact suns with planets of their own and that these planets might have life on them. He also stated that the universe was infinite and had no center. He even stated that he did not believe in eternal damnation, the Trinity, the divinity of Christ, the virginity of Mary, and that the wine and wafers used in Holy Communion did not ‘actually’ become the body and blood of Christ. Giordano Bruno did not go quietly to his barbequing. The truth of his arguments and words so frightened the Catholic Church, they had to put a stake in his tongue to keep the bystanders from listening to him. Unfortunately for the Catholic Church, Bruno is now considered one of the first martyrs for science and free thought. By murdering him for his beliefs and independent thought, the Church spread his ideas much further and in a more lasting manner than he could have by himself.

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February 16, 1905

On February 16, 1905, the first United States Esperanto club was organized in Boston, Massachusetts. It would be the nerdiest club in America until the invention of the Klingon language in 1984 elevated Star Trek conventions to the number one spot. voQmoH ‘Iw ‘Iv Hoch ‘a val SoH!

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February 15, 399 BCE

On February 15, 399 BCE, Socrates was sentenced to death by the city of Athens for corrupting the minds of the youths and impiety toward the gods. It seemed the ‘Gadfly’ of Athens asked the ‘wrong’ philosophical questions and embarrassed the wrong people one time too many. Socrates was a rock star before there was even rock music.

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February 14, 1849

On February 14, 1849, James Knox Polk became the first serving US President to have his photograph taken. People who have viewed the photograph say that it is strange, in that the Polk’s eyes and slit of a mouth seem to always follow you. The photographer, Matthew Brady, said that another eerie occurrence of the photograph was that it was the opposite of Dorian Gray’s picture.  In real life, President Polk continued to age naturally, while the photo stayed the exact same.

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February 13, 2017

On February 13, 2017, Kim Jong-nam, the older brother of Kim Jong-un, was assassinated at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport in Malaysia. North Korean agents convinced two women to spray King Jong-nam with the deadly VX nerve agent. They were told that they were being filmed on a reaction/prank TV show. Why did Kim Jong-un have his older brother assassinated? Because there can be only one Dictator for Life in North Korea. Why was Kim Jong-un chosen over his older brother? Because in 2001 Kim Jong-nam embarrassed his father Kim Jong-il by trying to go to Tokyo Disneyland with a false passport. This was the beginning of the end for Kim Jong-nam’s aspirations to succeed his father as North Korean dictator. The North Korean army felt he was an embarrassment and Kim Jong-nam was smart enough to feel the blade on his neck. So, in 2003 he quietly moved to Macau, China. He lived there in safety for 14 years, but being a playboy at heart, he wanted to go to Malaysia and gamble and whore around. The North Korean agents were waiting for him and tricked two innocent women into killing him. Royal assassinations didn’t just happen in the Middle Ages. They happen every few years in history.

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February 12, 1502

On February 12, 1502, Queen Isabella I of Castile issued an edict outlawing Islam in her country. This forced her Muslim subjects to either convert, go to prison, voluntarily leave if they could, or die. Just so all the American conservative Christians understand, this was religious discrimination. Not allowing you to force other people’s children to pray to your god in a public school is not. That is freedom from religious discrimination.

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February 11, 2016

On February 11, 2016, scientists at the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-wave Observatories in Livingston, LA and Hanford, WA announced that they had detected the elusive gravitational waves on September 14, 2015. Flat Earthers immediately started to protest, as they don’t believe in gravity, and said that what the observatories detected was swamp gas from a weather balloon that was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus. Or it was a density wave, as density is a thing, but gravity isn’t.

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