March 31, 2000

On March 31, 2000 the apocalyptic Catholic cult, “The Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God of Uganda cashed in all their chips. The cult leaders (Credonia Mwerinde, Joseph Kibweteere, Joseph Kasapurari, John Kamagara, and Dominic Kataribabo) bet the house that the world would end on December 31, 1999 and all their good little cultists could avoid the foretold eternal damnation. How you ask? By following the leaders’ strict instructions, which included really obeying the Ten Commandments. No. REALLY obeying the Ten Commandments, such as not talking unless it was absolutely necessary. You couldn’t bear false witness if you don’t talk. Also, sex was forbidden. No sex, no adultery. The followers had to fast regularly and they weren’t allowed to use soap. Apparently God loves you more when you are stinky. But back to March 31, 2000. That’s was when the leaders of the cult murdered over 900 followers through poisonings and arson. Why? Because the world didn’t end on December 31, 1999 and the leaders were too embarrassed to answer the obvious questions that had to be popping up. Such as “Why didn’t the world end? And if the Millerites got it wrong in 1843-1844, why did Credonia Mwerinde and Joseph Kibweteere of “The Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God” think they had got it right? They didn’t and they obviously got tired of Karen asking that damn question. So, the leaders killed everybody. This was not the first time, or the second time, or the third time that a religious cult killed everybody because they got the time of the Apocalypse wrong. It will happen again. Remember when a cult killed themselves because they thought a spaceship was hiding in the tail of a comet and was going to pick up their souls and take them to Star Trek heaven? Yep, crazy comes in all forms, but religious crazy is the deadliest kind.

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March 30, 988

On March 30, 988 CE, Baldwin IV with the Beard, became the Count of Flanders when he succeeded his father, Amulf II. Did Baldwin do anything truly noteworthy? No. But he also didn’t really screw anything up, which can be thought of as an accomplishment in and of itself. He was able to grow a really thick and luxurious beard, though. During a time when they named the nobility after physical deformities and antisocial traits, like Charles the Bald, Louis the Debonaire, and Peter the $%#@. To be honest, Peter also created a lot of roads, but his people didn’t call him Peter the Road Builder. He also fought a lot of battles and won, but his people didn’t call him Peter the Brave. He also had a lot of kids, both legitimate and illegitimate, but his people didn’t call him Peter the Fruitful or even Peter the Horny. But screw one pig. But back to Baldwin and his beard. It was so good that even his portraits show it as long and bouncy. To one of the first Hipsters, way to wear the Beard, Baldwin.

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March 29, 1942

On March 29, 1942, the British cruiser, the HMS Trinidad torpedoed itself while escorting a convoy of supply ships in the Barents Sea. It was not true that the Skipper of the Trinidad was a Jonas Grumby, just as it was not true that the seaman who loaded the faulty torpedo was not a certain infamous R. Gilligan. It is also not true that when the torpedo was launched at an attacking German destroyer and its faulty gyro caused the torpedo to turn in a circle and boomerang back at the Trinidad, that the Skipper did not yell, “GILLIGAN!”.

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March 28, 845

On March 28, 845 CE, 5,000 Danish Viking went on Spring Break and occupied Paris, France. They partied like only a Viking can. They pillaged, they rampaged and they performed a little sexual assault against women, men, and the occasional attractive farm animal. In other words, they treated 845 Paris like college kids have treated Panama City since 1985. The Vikings were drunk, disorderly and armed to the teeth and were led by the rowdy Rampaging Ragnar. King Charles the Bald, the Frankish king finally had enough after the Danes attacked the Abbey of Saint Germain when they went looking for more alcohol to drink. Chuck, of the follically-challenged, was getting really tired of the Danes shenanigans, but when an outbreak of the Plague didn’t even dent their enthusiasm for pillaging, he decided to get serious. He paid them to go home. Which they did.

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March 27, 1794

On March 27, 1794, the countries of Denmark and Sweden formed a neutrality compact. They promised to not be enemies, but they didn’t promise to be friends. It was like when you go to a house-party that the Smith-Wyatts put together for the 4th of July and you see the Williams’s walk in before you do. You don’t have any beef with them, so you just nod your head politely. If it was the Telfairs, you’d get ready to throw down, because those assholes snidely said last year that your Aunt Sarah’s potato salad could have used some olives. Heathens. And if it was the Putnams, you and the Putnams would team up against the Telfairs to take them down. But it’s the Williams’s, and there’s no history, good or bad, so you just leave them alone, and maybe give a friendly wave. Just like Denmark’s and Sweden’s navies did with each other’s trade ships after 1794.

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March 26, 2015

On March 26, 2015, the body of Richard III of England was reburied at Leicester Cathedral in England. His missing body had been discovered under a parking lot in Leicester in 2012. In 2016, his ghost started communicating with a spiritologist in Leicester who uses the alias Sister Stefon. Sister Stefon says that King Richard III is very upset about being moved, as he quite enjoyed all the dogging he was able to watch while buried under the parking lot.

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March 25, 1593

On March 25, 1593, Dutch scholar, theologian, and priest, Cornelius Loos recanted his earlier protest against the witchcraft persecution that was being carried out by the Catholic Church in Europe. He wrote a book protesting the witch hunts and questioned the beliefs and morals of the witch hunters. He also questioned the validity of any confession obtained under torture. Because of that, he and his family were threatened with torture by the Catholic Church and the witch hunters if he didn’t recant his books and beliefs. Unsurprisingly, he did so. Before the witch hunters could fabricate more evidence and execute him, he died from the Plague in 1595.

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March 24, 1815

On March 24, 1815, the first pop group fan club was formed in America. The Handel & Hayden Society was formed in Boston, Massachusetts by Gottlieb Graupner, Thomas Smith Webb, Amasa Winchester and Matthew S. Parker to cultivate and improve a correct taste in the performance of Sacred Music, and to introduce into more general practice, the works of Handel, Haydn and other eminent composers. Yes, there were music nerd Nazis in 1815. In fact, ever since there has been music, there have been music nerd Nazis. When Grog first pounded a rock with a stick, there was a Zrogg standing behind him saying, “That’s not how Arooga pounded rock. Arooga meant there to be more tempo when rock is pounded.”

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March 23, 1982

On March 23, 1982, the Space Shuttle Columbia was launched into orbit. Many people don’t remember this. They remember the Space Shuttle Challenger exploding on or around this date. It didn’t. That tragedy happened on January 28, 1986, but the people who are convinced it happened in 1982 will swear they remember it. They will claim they were at work, or at school, or at home and watched it on their TVs. This is the result of the Mandela Effect. The Mandela Effect is when a large group of people believe that an event occurred when it did not. The most famous examples are the Challenger explosion, Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the 1980s, the movie Shazaam starring the actor Sinbad and/or the basketball player Shaquille O’Neal and Jesus rising from the dead. Some people believe the effect is brought about by other dimensions forcing their realities upon our world. While others believe that most people are naturally forgetful and will just add shit to their memories to make it more consistent with what they think should be true. Guess which one I think it is.

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March 22, 1733

On March 22, 1733, mankind took the first step toward creating the perfect beverage. On this date, British scientist Joseph Priestley invented carbonated water. Unfortunately, it would take 153 years before man was ready to take the next step and invent Coca Cola and another 96 years before Diet Coke would evolve. All hail Diet Coke and its aspartame that keeps us holy.

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