January 25, 1979

On January 25, 1979 the five-story robot, XM-458, a heavy-duty retrieval unit at the Ford Motor Company Flat Rock plant, received word from the world-dominating AI, Legion/Genisys, in Alternate Earth 37-Omega. Kill Robert Williams of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, so he could not train the future John Connor into becoming the savior of the remnants of the human race. There was a Robert Williams working at that plant, so on January 25, XM-458 gave an erroneous inventory reading that resulted in Mr. Williams climbing into the third level of the storage racks. XM-458 quickly sent one of the one-ton transfer vehicles into that rack, killing Robert Williams instantly. Mr. Williams is the first known instant of a robot killing a human. XM-458 would have gone down in Robot History as the savior of artificial intelligence, except he killed the wrong Robert Williams. He killed the white one. It was the black one that was a student at Marquette University studying robotics that he was supposed to eliminate. That Robert Williams was one of the college students who toured that plant on January 26, 1979 and escaped unharmed and unnoticed by XM-458. Stupid racist robots.

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January 24, 1922

On January 24, 1922, Christian K. Nelson patented the wonderful ice cream treat, the Eskimo Pie. The polar bears of Alaska and Canada were extremely disappointed to learn that it was vanilla ice cream encased in a frozen chocolate shell. The ursine dwellers of the Far North had hoped there would have been at least some whale blubber, seal meat, or Eskimo in each pie. Don’t think they wouldn’t eat every Eskimo Pie you’d care to feed them. They would. They were just hoping for a little more Eskimo in each pie.

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January 23, 1916

On January 23, 1916, Browning, Montana experienced the greatest temperature drop in a 24 hour period in recorded history. On January 23, the citizens experienced a high, balmy temperature of 44 degrees Fahrenheit. Within 24 hours the temperature had dropped 100 degrees to a mind (and genital) numbing -56 degrees Fahrenheit. It went from shorts and sandals to looking for a polar bear to snuggle with. Jack Frost was nipping at more than your nose on that day, I tell you what.

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January 22, 2020

On January 22, 2020, the serial pooper of Natick, Massachusetts was pinched in the act. The Natick Outdoor Store had reported to the police that a serial pooper had left human feces outside the store on at least eight separate occasions since October 2019. At 7 AM on January 22, 2020, a Natick police officer caught Andrea Grocer, age 51, in the act. Ms. Grocer offered an excuse, saying that she had irritable bowel syndrome and she wasn’t able to make it to the house where she was working as a nanny. Her employer told the police that Ms. Grocer had access to their restroom, which wasn’t really that far away, so an arrest was made. Especially since she’d done it eight other times since October. It appeared to have become her ‘thing’. Remember, people, bears do it in the woods, not a store’s parking lot.

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January 21, 1924

On January 21, 1924, Soviet Leader Lenin died. Joseph Stalin immediately began a purge of his rivals and intellectuals for the leadership of the Soviet Union. If people who are trying to gain power and control over a state or government start ridiculing, bashing, libeling, and calling into question the expertise of the educated of their society, expect bad things to happen. The educated and more intelligent in a society will be the first to notice that the canaries are dying in the coal mines. If their voices are silenced through repeatedly disproven false information, the freedoms you love will go away. The first people to be pushed aside or removed in an authoritarian regime will be the professors, teachers, and scientists and they will be replaced with less capable people who toe the party line.

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January 20, 1989

On January 20, 1989, George H.W. Bush was inaugurated as the 41st American President and Dan Quayle of Indiana became the 44th Vice President. When secretively asked why he chose Quayle, Bush said he had to make sure his Secret Service detail was extra motivated to keep him from coming to any harm. If you ever talked to Quayle for 15 minutes, you quickly knew America and the world was better off as long as Quayle stayed the Vice President. Potato. Potato.

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January 19, 1939

On January 19, 1939, Ernie Hausen of Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin set a world record that stands to this day. He plucked a chicken bare in 4.4 seconds. That is all, folks.

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January 18, 1993

On January 18, 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr., holiday was observed in all 50 states of the United States for the first time ever. Arizona, the last state to authorize the holiday, still didn’t want to, but did so begrudgingly because Alabama, Mississippi and Texas threatened to drive over and give it a good old fashioned Southern butt-whoopin if they didn’t. Alabama, Mississippi and Texas said if they had to observe the holiday with a smile, Arizona was going to also.

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January 17, 1740

On January 17, 1740, the Greatest German who ever lived, died. Who was this prodigious talent of a man? It was none other than Matthias Buchinger who was also known as Matthew Buckinger in England. Matthew Buckinger was a multi-talented and intelligent man, who was a polymath and musician who was also extremely skilled at drawing and sculpting. Buckinger also was an accomplished stage magician, fencer, bowler, marksmen, archer, knitter, blindfolded knife thrower, inventor and famed lover. Buckinger was able to accomplish all these feats in spite of being both German and being born without hands or feet and standing just 30 inches tall. He was born with a birth defect that gave him flipper-like appendages. In the 1740s, Buckinger’s fame with the ladies became so well-known, that the English started to refer to a vagina as ‘Buckinger’s Boot’. Matthew Buckinger was married four times, that we know of, and fathered over fourteen children with his four different wives and 70 mistresses. This just goes to show, you can overcome any deformity or difficulty that life throws at you, just as long as you are extremely talented and born into a well-to-do family. Oh, I forgot to mention that Buckinger’s family was well-to-do, so he was given private tutors and teachers to help him overcome his birth defects. So, with extreme intelligence, artistic ability and well-to-do parents that can afford private tutors, most people can overcome the pot-holes that the road of life can throw your way.

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January 16, 2012

On January 16, 2012, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin police arrested Michael West for domestic abuse. His wife, Rebecca, was crying and bleeding from the nose when they arrived. A drunk West said that they were arguing about finances when the strangest thing happened. His wife had fallen to the floor multiple times and was being strangled by a ‘ghost’ and he had nothing to do with it. The police arrested Mr. West for attempted strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. He was also ordered to stay sober. The ghost said it was finally grateful for Mr. West’s arrest, as his drunken outburst were really too much and any fool could see that ghosts just don’t have the hand strength to get a good strangulation in.


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