April 18, 1924

On April 18, 1924, Simon and Schuster, Inc., published the first “Crossword Puzzle Book” and ecru, soho, erato, alee, and stye became better known words by the general American public. Although a six letter word for ‘strips in geography class’ is still difficult to solve.

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April 17, 1810

On April 17, 1810, Lewis M. Norton of West Goshen, Pennsylvania patented Pineapple Cheese. Oh MY GOD, was that a real thing? Someone actually made cheese from pineapples. Didn’t anyone tell this man no, just no, don’t do it, Lewis? What horrors this obviously mentally and spiritually damaged man must have suffered to be able to even imagine something so horrible and repug…wait. He what? He took regular cheese and put it in pineapple shaped mold so that the regular cheese looked like a pineapple, but wasn’t? So, no actual pineapples were used in the making of the cheese? And these pineapple shaped cheeses were highly sought after as a housewarming gift in the early 1800s? I wish someone would tell me this before I go off on a rant. Wait, what? It was in the notes? Sigh, let me start over. On April 17, 1810, Lewis M. Norton patented the pet rock of the early 1800s, pineapple cheese. This was cheese that was molded into the shape of a pineapple and no real pineapple was harmed in the making of this travesty.

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April 16, 1705

On April 16, 1705, Queen Anne of England knighted Isaac Newton for his contributions to math and science that brought prestige and acclaim to the British Empire. The now “Sir” Isaac Newton showed nerds worldwide that hot chicks could also appreciate a huge noggin that could do the mental heavy lifting. Don’t get me wrong, the birds of the 1700s still liked a man who had a good turn of the calf and could fill out a codpiece, but a man that could work smarter, not harder, was also a keeper.

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April 15, 1878

On April 15, 1878, Harley Proctor introduced Ivory Soap to the American consumer. Foul-mouthed children throughout the United States considered the commercially made soap a decided improvement over the homemade variety. The overall consensus was that Ivory Soap had a bouquet that was pleasant to the nose and that the tongue-feel had a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that was intriguing, while still mysterious and exotic. Many of the more experienced mouth-washers said that they could detect a tannic essence that reminded them of licorice and old boots, especially after their mothers caught them saying f%$@, c&%#, or g%@#@&%$!#. But like all true artiste, the mouth-washers polled said to pick the soap that pleased your individual palate and not to be influenced by price or fancy package, because it’s your mouth and tongue that’s going to be washed with the soap of your choice, so choose one that you like.

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April 14, 1984

On April 14, 1984, the Texas Board of Education began requiring that the state’s public school textbooks specifically describe the evolution of human beings as “theory rather than fact” without explaining the difference between a scientific theory, general opinion, and religious teachings. It should come as no surprise that Texas is one of the states that lead the nation in people who believe the earth is flat, that vaccines cause autism, that the world is only 6,800 years old, and that putting fluoride in the drinking water is a communist plot to control the minds of America’s youth.

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April 13, 1204

On April 13, 1204 the 4th Crusade went on Spring Break and sacked the fabulously wealthy Mediterranean coast city of Constantinople. Pope Innocent III had called the 4th Crusade to go and capture Jerusalem from the infidel Muslims and the Holy Roman Empire (Italy), the Republic of Venice, and the Kingdom of France answered the call and made their way from Europe south. On the way, Spring Break happened and the three armies decided to party in Constantinople. They broke the city and when Pope Innocent III found out, he put all three armies on double secret probation and ordered them home. Many did, drunk and hungover, but Pope Innocent was angry and acted like a stepfather who gave his entitled stepsons one job, and they didn’t. Instead, they partied and got drunk.

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April 12, 1955

On April 12, 1955 the University of Michigan Polio Vaccine Evaluation Center announced that the polio vaccine of Dr. Jonas Salk was “safe, effective, and potent.” Parents all over the United States demanded that the vaccine be administered to their children, since they had grown up with the specter of polio threatening them and their families’ lives since 1916. These parents weren’t ‘woke’ and hadn’t been subjected to the lies of Dr. Mercola, Dr. Andrew Wakefield and the Not-A-Doctor Jenny McCarthy. The parents and grandparents of 1950 America knew the horrible debilitating damage of polio and were ready to protect their children and themselves from it. At the time, if there had been vaccines for measles, mumps and the flu, they’d get those shots also and rightfully call a fool anyone who thought they were better educated than the scientists and doctors who toiled to create them.

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April 11, 1985

On April 11, 1985, at the Mount Haleakala Observatory of the University of Hawaii, scientist of the non-mad variety measured the distance between the earth and the moon to within one inch. They did use powerful lasers, which weren’t attached to the heads of fricking sharks, that were aimed at and struck mirrored reflectors placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin Jr., of the Apollo 11 mission. The scientists hoped by collecting this data to better understand how tidal forces and weather patterns are influenced by the moon and its changing distance in its elliptical orbit. Or that’s what the scientists said. In reality they were sending morse-code messages to their reptilian masters on Proxima Centauri which is 4.22 light years from Earth. The scientists had learned about how Coca Cola was going to release a new flavor at the end of April and they wanted to alert the Reptilians so they could buy more Coca Cola stock before it was released. Unfortunately for all involved, the new flavor was New Coke, which was a horrible Pepsi-derivative, and it failed horribly, as it should have.


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April 10, 1992

On April 10, 1992, just outside Needles, California, comedian Sam Kinison died when his car was struck by a pickup truck on a desert road between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. He went immediately to hell and the devil looked up with surprise and said, “Sam, you’re not supposed to be here until sometime next year? What happen?” Sam said, “It’s the craziest thing, a 17 year old kid was driving drunk and crossed the center line and crashed into me.” The devil asked him, “Were you wearing a seat-belt?” Sam said, “Man, you know how I hate those things.” The devil replied sarcastically (because that’s the only way he can reply), “Yeah, and that’s why you’re here now, instead of in Vegas doing blow of a stripper’s butt. Now pick yourself up and follow me. You’ve been married twice, so you qualify for our job placement program as nothing here’s going to phase you.” And that’s how Sam Kinison became a tour guide in hell.

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April 9, 1945

On April 9, 1945, National Football League Commissioner Elmer Layden decided that the football paying public no longer wanted to see a professional football player’s hairy, scarred legs. He decreed that all NFL players must wear long stockings that reach up to the knee. Unfortunately, while this did hide the hirsute extremities of the ape-men who played on the defensive line, it did allow the fashion faux pas of the 1970s uniforms, such as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Houston Oilers. No professional football player should be forced to wear a pastel colored uniform. There was a reason the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost a league record 25 games in a row in 1976 to 1977. It was the emasculating pastel colored uniforms and socks. It’s very hard to be threatening and menacing when you’re wearing bay orange and white.

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