October 29, 1846

On October 29, 1846, the first use of a fraternity house seems to have been for the Alpha Epsilon of Chi Psi at the University of Michigan. Dean Wormer immediately put them on double secret probation for having a toga party that included the girls from Alpha Kappa Kappa Jo who weren’t afraid to show their ankles.

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October 28, 2017

On October 28, 2017, the Xiangnian Food Co., Ltd. in Nanyang, Henan, China, made the longest noodle ever recorded, which stretched for 10,119 feet and 1.92 inches, according to Guinness World Records. It took more than 88 pounds of flour, more than 7.5 gallons of water, and more than a pound of salt, as well as 17 hours, to make the noodle. The impressive pasta was eventually chopped up and served to staff and elderly guests. When the reporter asked why they decided to make such a long noodle, the Xiangnian Food Company said, “Why don’t you ask yo mama why she likes the long noodle.” The reporter immediate broke down crying and sobbed, “My momma likes short noodles. She does! Dad! Dad! They’re making fun of our short noodles again! DAD!”

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October 27, 1838

On October 27, 1838, Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs issued his famous ‘Extermination Order”. This was the official order that told all Mormons to leave the state or to be killed. When asked why he was picking on the Mormons, Boggs said it was because they weren’t the ‘right’ kind of Christian and the only things worse than Mormons were Jews, Catholics, and those people who watch anime for the tentacle porn.

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October 26, 1407

On October 26, 1407 after being riled up by one of the earliest forms of Q-Anon, Polish mobs attacked the Jewish community of Krakow. Their little peasant brains had been told that the Jewish people were sneaking around at night and poisoning their wells, worshipping Satan, kidnapping their children and forcing them into child-sexual slavery, introducing new and different foods into the national cuisine, and encouraging their children to read and write both Polish and Hebrew. When asked why they believed any of that, the peasants said that Q-Anon was a secret government insider and he was shining the light on the evils of the Jewish people who were the true rulers of the government elite. Some things never change.

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October 25, 2017

On October 25, 2017, in Kuala Sanglang, a small coastal village in northern Malaysia, a spiritual magician’s trick went horribly, horribly wrong. The 68 year-old, Mr. Lim Ba, professionally known as ‘Black Dog’, was performing his signature magic trick, when something went wrong. Mr. Ba sat down in his giant stainless steel wok that was filled with rice, took the lotus position while his ‘assistants’ placed sweet corn and vegetarian buns around him. Why did he do this? He was going to be ‘steamed’ in the wok along with the rice and his side dishes. Apparently he’d been performing this human steaming trick for more than a decade over the protests of his family. On this fateful day, the observers watched as the giant stainless steel lid was placed over Mr. Ba and a fire was lit under the wok. Within 30 minutes, something went wrong as Mr. Ba’s foodie devotees heard frantic knocking from within the wok. It was too early for the rice to be done, as it needed another 30 to 40 minutes of steaming. The lid was quickly raised and an unconscious magician was found sitting in the bed of rice with steam billowing around him. Mr. Ba was found with major second-degree burns, but that didn’t kill him. It was the heart attack that did him in. His family wasn’t surprised, as they expected it to happen sooner. But I have one question. The vegetarian buns that were cooked along with Mr. Lim Ba, could they really be considered vegetarian after everything they went through and were Mr. Ba’s devotees just one step away from cannibalism?

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October 24, 1969

On October 24, 1969, actor Richard Burton bought his wife Elizabeth Taylor a 69-carat Cartier diamond ring for $1.5 million, which would be worth around $10.6 million dollars today. This just goes to show that number 1, love is expensive, and number 2, men are just like those birds that have to give a pretty shiny to their mate to get sex. It’s nature. Don’t fight it.

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October 23, 1910

On October 23, 1910, at the age of 26, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public solo airplane flight in the United States at Fort Wayne, Indiana. The men in the crowd were really impressed by the way she parallel parked the aircraft after landing.

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October 22, 1969

On October 22, 1969, British rock star, Paul McCartney denied the early rumors of his death. He said that he was most definitely alive, as he wasn’t scheduled to die until sometime after 2021. He did say he wasn’t sure about  Keith Richards though, as he’d heard the guitar player from the Rolling Stones had been bitten by a zombified groupie during a drug-fueled orgy in San Francisco and was looking a tad bit deceased.

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October 21, 1858

On October 21, 1858, the Can-Can, a fast, highly suggestive dance with lots of leg kicks was performed for the first time in Paris, France. On a side note, on this same day in 1984, the Can’t-Can’t was performed for the last time in Bomont, Oklahoma by Shaw and Vi Moore.

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October 20, 1982

On October 20, 1982, Billy Martin was fired as the manager/head coach of the Oakland A’s. Sports writers commented that Mr. Martin had now been fired six times as the manager by five different baseball teams. They remarked that it illustrated how uniquely hated and unliked Billy was. That was true, but it also has to be mentioned that he’d also been HIRED six times by five different baseball teams as the manager/head coach, so the man obviously had a skill set that made an owner want to hire him. He also had a personality that quickly made those same people want to fire him. Billy Martin was the patron saint of the guy everyone knows that can get a job, but can’t keep a job.

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