February 26, 2011

On February 26, 2011, Allen Jones and his wife, Aleisha, of Bay Minette, Alabama played and lost Redneck Bingo. On the 26th, Allen decided to carry his truck-pistol, a .40 Glock (in Alabama, you have guns you keep in your car as a fashion accessory just in case a libtard wins a local election) inside his house. Unfortunately, he tripped, fell, and accidentally shot himself in the leg. He started screaming for his wife to help him, because getting shot in the leg hurts. She was bathing their young son and rushed outside, as did their naked child. She reached for the gun, but the young boy got to it first and grabbed it. When Aleisha tried to take the Glock away from him, the naked boy shot her in the neck. Accidentally, they say. Neighbors heard the commotion and gunfire and called 911. The police and ambulance arrived and carried both parents to the hospital. No charges were filed and both parents were in stable conditions. The naked, gun-toting toddler wasn’t charged, but the police did try and explain why a center-mass shot was more reliable and easier to hit than a head-shot. Too many times you miss the head completely and graze the neck.

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February 25, 1956

On February 25, 1956, Soviet Leader Nikita Khrushchev gave a speech before the Communist Party in Moscow. In his speech, ‘On the Cult of Personality and Its Consequences’, Khrushchev criticized former Soviet leader, Josef Stalin. Khrushchev was no fool, as Stalin had been dead for three years and he’d made sure that Stalin had a wooden stake driven into his heart and was buried face down. No one wanted Stalin digging his way out.

 

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February 24, 2006

On February 24, 2006, scientists at the Sandia National Laboratories in Albuquerque, New Mexico published an amazing accomplishment in the ‘Physical Review Letters’, a national scientific review journal. Chris Deeney, a scientist exploring the mysterious that ‘man was not meant to know’ gushed that his team of researchers had just produced superheated gas that exceeded 2 billion degrees Kelvin or for the non-scientists in the room, 3.6 billion degrees Fahrenheit. He said that’s hotter than the interior of the sun, in fact it’s even hotter than Jessica Alba in ‘Sin City’. Deeney said the craziest part of the experiment, even after completing it multiple times and getting the same results, was that he and his cadre of researchers had no idea of what was making the temperature explode into the billions of degrees. He said it shouldn’t be happening. But he said it is New Mexico, so it is a dry heat.

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February 23, 1574

On February 23, 1574, France began the 5th holy war against the Huguenots. Why? Because the first four just weren’t holy enough and didn’t carry the sparkle that God demanded when the Catholics and Protestants went to killing each other. He said that if he wanted to see a down and dirty knuckle-buster, he’d just watch the various Islamic sects decide who was going to get the 72 virgins. He expected some high-class slaughter when the French killed each other in his name. Which was Steve, by the way. Steve Jehovah. He wished more people would get that right.

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February 22, 1984

On February 22, 1984, the US Census Bureau statistics showed that the state of Alaska was the fastest growing state of the decade with an increase in population of 19.2 percent. When presented with its award, the state of Alaska said it wanted to thank the McMurty family of Fairbanks for being Catholic and refusing to watch TV after 9PM.

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February 21, 1947

On February 21, 1947, American inventor, Edwin Land, presented and demonstrated his invention, the Polaroid Land Camera, to the Optical Society of America in New York City. It was the first camera that was able to take, develop, and print a picture in around 60 seconds. The photos were in black and white and the camera went on sale the following year. It was immediately used for porn and the photographers said since the photos were in black in white, it had to be art.

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February 20, 1935

On February 20, 1935, Caroline Mikkelsen, wife of Norwegian Captain, Klarius Mikkelsen became the first woman to put her boot on Antarctica. The Giant Psychic Emperor penguins were pleased with Captain Mikkelsen’s attempt at tribute, but they sent Caroline home as they had their hearts set on someone else. They inquired about Mikkelsen’s ability to convince Mae West to visit and he said, and I quote, “Dere gale fugler, Mae West liker menn med penger, ikke fugler med lasere festet til hodet!” Everybody left this strange encounter just a little bit disappointed.

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February 19, 2008

On February 19, 2008, Dictator Fidel Castro resigned from the Cuban presidency. After serving for 49 years as the leader of Cuba, he turned the reigns over to his brother Raul. Time and the natural aging process did something that ten American Presidents and every fake patriotic McCarthyistic American politician couldn’t do. It removed Fidel Castro from office. Sometimes the best way to get rid of someone is to send them a delicious, fattening cake or pie every week and let good, old heart disease and stroke work their magic. Or you can give a leader’s people someone to be angry at and stand against and never get rid of them.

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February 18, 1790

On February 18, 1790, the Patron Saint of Grammar Nazis took his place looking over the shoulder of God. Thomas de Mahy, the Marquis de Favras, was sentenced to death by hanging during the French Revolution for treason against the people. When he read through his death warrant sentence, he told his executioner, “I see that you have made three spelling mistakes.” It was the last words he ever spoke as he was immediately hanged. I have to respect that. He was a grammar troll to his last breath.

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February 17, 1995

On February 17, 1995, Federal Judge Okla B. Jones allowed a lawsuit to continue that claimed that US tobacco makers knew nicotine was addictive and manipulated its levels to keep customers hooked. Tobacco companies immediately had an “oh shit” moment and began throwing money at politicians to keep their product in the stores. It worked until 1998, when the tobacco companies signed the Master Settlement Agreement, which required Tobacco companies to pay a settlement in perpetuity to the states, but not the people who died from smoking cigarettes. So, tobacco is still being sold to people over 21, and American tobacco companies decided to explore a new, under-litigated market. People in the global South, such as Africa, southeast Asia, and the Middle East.

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