July 5, 1989

On July 5, 1989, British pop singer, Rod Stewart, performed a move usually reserved for heavy metal head bangers. At a performance in Pine Knob, Michigan, while singing, Stewart cut a corner too closely and banged his head into a light fixture and knocked himself out. Cold. The stage crew had to come up onto the stage and carry him off. But being a trooper, he did return and finished the show. When Ozzy Osbourne heard about the incident, he muttered, “Sharon,” and then said, “at least he wasn’t bending over to tie his shoes and hit his head on the coffee table. It’s why I go barefoot in the house now, SHARON!”

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July 4, 2019

On July 4, 2019, Mad Magazine announced it would stop publishing new material after 67 years of providing the sophomoric and infantile humor that 15-year old boys as well as men and women with a 15-year old boy’s sense of humor craved. Thus proving that satirical printed magazines had gone the way of the dinosaur and that the latest generation wouldn’t understand the tactile satisfaction of manually flipping through the pages of a magazine, just like they had no clue at dialing 911 on a rotary telephone. The ghosts of cartoonists Don Martin and Sergio Aragonés came back from the dead to express their regret of the passing of such a revered art form, the printed magazine. Sergio Aragonés also tried to mention to the Twisted Historian that he wasn’t dead yet, but I try not to listen to spirits. The last time I did that, it involved tequila and a femalian sasquatch near Cohutta, Georgia. Some lessons you only have to learn once.

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July 3, 1839

On July 3, 1839, the first state ‘normal school’ was opened in Lexington, Massachusetts. It was the forerunner to Framingham State University and had three students. All other schools before it were abnormal. (No. Just no. A ‘normal’ school was what used to be called a teacher’s college or teacher’s school. It was where they trained future teachers in pedagogy and curriculum.) So, in 1839 the first normal school opened and quickly spread across the land and became the dominant school species and would remain so until the 1970s and 1980s, when religious schools would open up to occupy the racist niche that normal schools were abandoning. (While technically incorrect, I’ll allow it, as any school that believes in creationism is abnormal.) Normal schools are still the primary educational species (You mean regular schools, like publicly funded elementary schools and secondary schools), but with the proliferation of private schools, religious schools, and clown colleges, the normal schools are having a difficult time in teaching the American youth actual science, history and the proper way to throw a banana cream pie. (You forgot teaching the proper technique in performing the squirting-flower in the lapel trick.) So remember to thank a public school teacher if you can read and write and know the difference between density and gravity.

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July 2, 1991

On July 2, 1991, Donald Trump proposed to Marla Maples and gave her a 7.5 carat diamond ring. He was still married to his first wife, Ivana, and would be until his divorce on March 22, 1992. When world famous psychic, Miss Cleo, was asked about the significance of Donald giving Marla a 7.5 carat diamond ring, she replied that it meant that Donald was going to sleep with at least seven porn-stars and one midget during their marriage. Ivana also hinted toward Marla that she needed to get a good prenup that had a money punishment for every time Donald cheated on her. She said it was a hell of a lot better than a swear-jar and once the new-wife smell wore off, Donald was going to cheat. Donald and Marla got married in 1993 and divorced in 1999. Apparently the new-wife smell wore off in 1996.

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July 1, 1858

On July 1, 1858, a joint reading of Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace’s papers on evolution was given to the Linnean Society in London, England. They all agreed that the papers and research were well thought out and logical, but that Wallace’s beard was much more luxuriant and manly than Darwin’s. They believed that if such a thing was attractive to human females of a birth-giving age, that men with full, manly beards would overtime, outnumber men with less-manly beards.

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June 30, 636

On June 30, 636, King Chinchilla (King Chintila) of Spain convoked the Fifth Council of Toledo. It was attended by twenty-two bishops and two episcopal representatives. The bishops of Narbonensis refused to attend for political reasons. King Chinchilla (KING CHINTILA) refused to provide those little cream cheese pastries that the bishops of Narbonensis found irresistible. (No, it was for political reasons. The Bishops didn’t want it to seem that they were favoring an earthly king.) The Council dealt with earthly and Kingly matters, which makes sense, since a King invoked it. The Church okayed a couple of things that Chinchilla (No, Chintila) wanted. One, the property justly acquired by the King belonged to him and his descendants. Attacking another country or king because the Church said he could counted as justly acquiring the property. Anathema was pronounced on those who molested or injured the King. Anathema meant a formal curse was issued against a person by the Pope or a council of the Church. (No, anathema means that a formal… Wait, that was correct. Or you trying to trick me?) Also anathema was issued against those who consulted with seers to know the future of the King, who cursed the King, or plotted or conspired to place another on the throne. Those who plotted or conspired to place another on the throne would also be excommunicated by the Church. (NO! Those who plotted or conspired would be… You ARE trying to trick me by not making stuff up.) The council did help the King in placing punishments against his dissenters, but it did not put an end to the internal intrigues. King Chintila (AHA, it’s Chinchilla! No, it’s Chintila… I hate you) continued to have to fight dissenters throughout his entire reign.

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June 29, 1914

On June 29, 1914, Jina Guseva attempted to assassinate the most evil man in Russia. That’s right, she stabbed and tried to kill Grigori Rasputin in his home town of Pokrovskove, Siberia. Rasputin was visiting his wife and homunculi, excuse me, his children, and decided to walk off his dinner. Jina Guseva rushed up to him and stabbed him in the gut with a knife and screamed, “I have killed the Anti-Christ!”. Rasputin was able to fight her off and run away, but she gave pursuit stabbing at him with her knife. The townsfolk were able pull Guseva away from Rasputin and protect him. Thwarted, Guseva turned herself in to the authorities. Rasputin survived his gut-wound and returned to the capitol. The peasant woman Jina Guseva was eventually tried for the attempted murder of Rasputin, but was found not guilty on reason of being insane and placed in an asylum. She was released in 1917, about a year after Rasputin was finally banished back to Hell. One interesting note about Guseva. She didn’t have a nose. It was missing the entire time. She also claims that she never had syphilis and never explained how her nose went missing. It was 1914 and it was well-known in Russia that Baba Yaga demanded weird payments for the help in killing demons, devils and the assorted Anti-Christ.

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June 28, 2000

On June 28, 2000, Darva Conger announced that she had done a photo layout for Playboy Magazine. Who was Ms. Conger? She was the ‘winner’ of Fox-TV’s “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire”. This was a TV show were 50 women were vying to marry an un-named, hidden multi-millionaire. Ms. Conger ‘won’ and married Rick Rockwell on the spot. She also received a three-carat diamond ring and $100,000 in prizes. She and Rick, who was in reality a failed actor immediately went on their honeymoon, which was paid for by FOX-TV. They came back and Ms. Conger immediately filed for annulment and had the marriage annulled in April 2000. She then claimed that she regretted even participating on the show and stated that she doubted that Rick Rockwell, if that was his real name, was even a real multimillionaire. She also publicly stated that she hated the publicity she was receiving and wished it would just stop. Then she posed naked for Playboy. To be fair, Rick Rockwell wasn’t what people thought of when you’d mention a multimillionaire. He did claim to have $750,000 in liquid assets and a $2 million net worth, but it wasn’t verified. So Darva Conger was almost correct when she stated that she’d been swindled, but how much sympathy can you have for a woman who was competing on national TV to marry a man she’d never met before, or even seen, because she’d been told he was a multimillionaire.

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June 27, 1973

On June 27, 1973, former White House counsel, John W. Dean told the Senate Watergate Committee about a typed “enemies list” that President Nixon kept. Years later, a similar list was found in Donald Trump’s personal diary. It turns out that he really didn’t like James Comey, John McCain, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren. He even used a different color crayon when he wrote how mean Elizabeth Warren was treating him.

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June 26, 1718

On June 26, 1718, Tsarevich Alexei Petrovich of Russia, Peter the Great’s son, died under mysterious circumstances after being sentenced to death by his father for plotting against him. The only mystery was why he didn’t die sooner. Alexei hated his father and didn’t want to be the next Tsar. The only thing he wanted was to live quietly on one of the family’s estate with his mistress. Alexei had fled Russia to Austria and was living there in exile. This was a great insult to Russia and Tsar Peter. He convinced his only son to come home after swearing that Alexei would not be punished in any way and would be allowed to live in peace with his mistress. Alexei, in turn, promised to turn over his inheritance to his young son, Peter. Once Alexei returned, he was immediately tortured and forced to confess to plotting to kill his father. Almost all of Alexei’s friends were tortured and killed. Turns out not only do you not get involved in a land war with Russia, you also don’t ever believe a Russian who tells you that if you return home, you won’t be punished in any way.

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