December 8, 877

On December 8, 877, Louis the Stammerer, the son of Charles the Bald, was crowned king of the West Frankish Kingdom. As is evident from their le sobriquet, the rulers and leaders of countries in the Dark Ages didn’t get to pick their official nicknames.  Donald “Baby Hands” Trump should be glad he didn’t live back then.

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December 7, 1968

On December 7, 1968, Richard Dodd of Winamac, Indiana returned an overdue book to the University of Cincinnati’s medical library. Nothing strange there. Oh, his great-grandfather had checked it out in 1823 when he was a medical student at the University of Cincinnati. The book was 145 years overdue and a late fee of $22,646 was owed. Librarian Cathy Hufford decided to forgive the fee as the Devil had already assured her that Mr. Dodd’s great-grandfather was already being punished. The Devil said that Dr. Dodd was forced to listen to his patients describe how essential oils and copper bracelets had cured their hair loss and helped them lose 25 pounds in just 30 days for the last 100 years.

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December 6, 1877

On December 6, 1877, inventor Thomas Edison demonstrated the first gramophone for the public, with a recording of himself reciting Mary Had a Little Lamb. It was later shown that if you played it backwards, it said, “Won og ot rus saw bmal elttil taht, tnew dlihc eht rehwyreve dna, heay – ALL HAIL THE GREAT SPAGHETTI MONSTER AND HIS PASTAFARIAN GOODNESS – wons sa etihw saw ceelf sih, bmal elttil a dah E-ram.”

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December 5, 1933

On December 5, 1933, the 21st Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified, thereby repealing the 18th Amendment and ending Prohibition. Thus ending the 13 year experiment of trying to legally force everyone to be sober and not drink alcohol. All Prohibition did was prove that forcing religious laws and biases on people didn’t work, especially if the rich and powerful were given loopholes that the ordinary person couldn’t access.

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December 4, 1961

On December 4, 1961, the Museum of Modern Art installed Henri Matisse’s ‘Le Bateau’. It wasn’t until 47 days later that Genevieve Habert, a visitor, noticed the mistake and notified a guard. Nothing was done, so Habert called the New York Times, who in turn notified Monroe Wheeler, the Museum’s art director. Turns out, Mrs. Habert was right and the artwork was rehung properly. This set off a chain reaction throughout the world’s museums to ensure that all of their non-traditional artwork was hung correctly. Especially those done by Jackson Pollack.

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December 3, 1736

On December 3, 1736, Anders Celsius, the Swedish astronomer, physicist, mathematician and inventor of the Celsius thermometer, took measurements that confirmed Newton’s theory that the Earth was an ellipsoid instead of the previously accepted sphere and the previously, previously never accepted by any intelligent person or scientist, flat earth theory. Back then the scientists and people of intelligence knew that you didn’t have to respect an idiot’s theory and you could publicly mock them and pummel them with rotten fruit and vegetables and small, dead animals. Some things should be brought back.

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December 2, 1823

On December 2, 1823, the President of the United States, James Monroe, outlined his doctrine that opposed European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. This became known as the Monroe Doctrine. The leaders of the indigenous people of the Western Hemisphere said Monroe’s doctrine had some really good points, but it was late by about three hundred years.

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December 1, 1959

On December 1, 1959, 12 countries, including the United States and the USSR, signed a treaty that set aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve, which would be free from military activity. This treaty does not give aliens the right to snatch up earthlings and conduct body experiments on them. It also does not pay aliens to set up laser turrets on the Great Ice Wall to shoot any unauthorized people from approaching it. Last and not least, this treaty does not secretly recognize the penguins of the Antarctic as the Rulers of the Icy Wastes.

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November 30, 1487

On November 30, 1487, Germany enacted the first German Beer Purity Law in Munich by Albert IV, Duke of Bavaria. He stated that beer should be brewed only from water, malt and hops. This prove so popular that in the 1930s and 1940s, Germany tried to enact human purity laws, which did not prove as popular with the rest of the world. Too far Germany, too far.

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November 29, 1961

On November 29, 1961, Enos, an American chimpanzee was launched into space by NASA. He was the third hominid and first chimpanzee to achieve Earth orbit. The first two hominids were Soviet astronauts Yuri Gagarin and Gherman Titov. The Americans said Enos proved to be a better astronaut since he wouldn’t sneak vodka on board the rocket and if he hugged and kissed you, it was cute, and not creepy like when Yuri did it.

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