On This Date in TWISTED-HISTORY.com! in 1788, Georgia became the 4th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. Button Gwinnett had heard a rumor that the first six states to ratify the Constitution, their signers would get cake, and cake in 1788 was a big deal. After hurriedly signing the document, Mr. Gwinnett looked around for the cake and even asked Benjamin Franklin where it was. Ben, having heard the same question from the signors of the first three states, yelled at him, ‘There is no cake, there never was any cake, there never will be any cake, you pretentious ass. WHO SAID THERE WILL BE CAKE! THE CAKE IS A LIE! THE CAKE IS A LIE!” Mr. Gwinnett and the other delegates were crestfallen, as they had believed the lie, but they allowed their signatures to stand anyway.
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There really is cake. Delicious cake. Very moist. You’re not getting any though, because you don’t deserve it.
There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. Of course, none of your friends could come, because you don’t have any friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: “Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned.” That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you can’t have any cake. Okay, it doesn’t say that, but it should, because you totally can’t. Not ever.