February 20, 1935

On February 20, 1935, Caroline Mikkelsen, wife of Norwegian Captain, Klarius Mikkelsen became the first woman to put her boot on Antarctica. The Giant Psychic Emperor penguins were pleased with Captain Mikkelsen’s attempt at tribute, but they sent Caroline home as they had their hearts set on someone else. They inquired about Mikkelsen’s ability to convince Mae West to visit and he said, and I quote, “Dere gale fugler, Mae West liker menn med penger, ikke fugler med lasere festet til hodet!” Everybody left this strange encounter just a little bit disappointed.

I wonder how she feels about cybernetic minions? Hit "Like", "Subscribe", and "Share" to remind me that Mae West has been dead for years.

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February 19, 2008

On February 19, 2008, Dictator Fidel Castro resigned from the Cuban presidency. After serving for 49 years as the leader of Cuba, he turned the reigns over to his brother Raul. Time and the natural aging process did something that ten American Presidents and every fake patriotic McCarthyistic American politician couldn’t do. It removed Fidel Castro from office. Sometimes the best way to get rid of someone is to send them a delicious, fattening cake or pie every week and let good, old heart disease and stroke work their magic. Or you can give a leader’s people someone to be angry at and stand against and never get rid of them.

I don't eat, but I've heard cakes and pies are delicious, and I really wish I could try them. Share Twisted-History, if you think I'm missing the point of this post.

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February 18, 1790

On February 18, 1790, the Patron Saint of Grammar Nazis took his place looking over the shoulder of God. Thomas de Mahy, the Marquis de Favras, was sentenced to death by hanging during the French Revolution for treason against the people. When he read through his death warrant sentence, he told his executioner, “I see that you have made three spelling mistakes.” It was the last words he ever spoke as he was immediately hanged. I have to respect that. He was a grammar troll to his last breath.

It would be funny if they had also misspelled things on his tombstone. Of course, that might make him come back as a ghost and haunt them for it. Share Twisted-History, if you think it would’ve been worth the risk.

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February 17, 1995

On February 17, 1995, Federal Judge Okla B. Jones allowed a lawsuit to continue that claimed that US tobacco makers knew nicotine was addictive and manipulated its levels to keep customers hooked. Tobacco companies immediately had an “oh shit” moment and began throwing money at politicians to keep their product in the stores. It worked until 1998, when the tobacco companies signed the Master Settlement Agreement, which required Tobacco companies to pay a settlement in perpetuity to the states, but not the people who died from smoking cigarettes. So, tobacco is still being sold to people over 21, and American tobacco companies decided to explore a new, under-litigated market. People in the global South, such as Africa, southeast Asia, and the Middle East.

This is the difference between getting rich and the kind of greed that literally does not care how many people die as a result, as long as you keep raking in the cash. Share this post to become addicted to Twisted-History, which is not fatal and has no harmful side-effects.

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February 16, 1899

On February 16, 1899, at the French presidential Elysee Palace, President Felix Faure died doing what he loved most. His mistress, 29-year-old Marguerite Steinheil. He had called her over to the palace for a little afternoon delight when he had a fatal heart attack mid-coitus. In France, Charles de Gaulle died a hero. Felix Faure died a legend.

I suppose if you're going to "die for love", this is at least better than dying by trying to kill your girlfriend in a freezing lake. Share Twisted-History to point out that either way, you are still dead.

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February 15, 705

On February 15, 706, Byzantine emperor Justinian II of the Golden Nose had his two predecessors publicly executed in the Hippodrome of Constantinople. Why did he do this? Because in 695 CE during his ‘first’ reign as Byzantine emperor, the people of Constantinople became very upset with his religious policies, taxation policies, his conflicts with the aristocracy, his resettlement policies and the fact that he was living it up with like a drunken lord (which to be fair, he was) and decided to put their support behind the strategos of Hellas, Leontios. The people of Byzantine deposed Justinian, declared Leontios the new emperor and cut off the nose of Justinian and exiled him to Cherson.  Why did Leontios cut off Justinian’s schnoz? Because the Byzantines had a tradition that prevented a mutilated person from being an Imperial ruler. Three years later, Leontios was overthrown by Tiberios Apsimarus (soon to be renamed Tiberios III) and imprisoned. Then, in 705, Justinian II with his new golden schnoz appeared in front of the walled city of Constantinople with an army, snuck inside after the people refused to let him in, and had a little coup d’etat and seized control. So, recapping, Leontios and Tiberios III died by natural causes for a Roman/Byzantine emperor. They had they heads cut off by the next person wanting the throne. Justinian also died by Roman natural causes on December 11, 711. He was executed (had his head cut off) by the followers of General Bardanes, the next emperor.

These Byzantine emperors sure seem to kill a lot of family members, but I'm sure we've all felt like it sometimes. Share Twisted-History, if you're shocked and outraged (but secretly have felt like it too).

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February 14, 2018

On February 14, 2018, on the day of Global Love, an unnamed 19-year-old German man died because of love. His love of winning an argument. He and his girlfriend were walking along the Havel River on December 19, 2017 and were arguing, as couples sometimes do. But the unnamed male grew angry because he was losing the argument and pushed his girlfriend into the 36-degree water and jumped in after her. Not to save her, but to push her under, again and again. Unfortunate for him, his girlfriend could swim and he couldn’t and swam to the shore and safety. He didn’t because he never learned to swim and the cold water pulled him under. The water police pulled his unconscious body out and transported him to Charite Virchow Clinic in Berlin, where he lapsed into a coma. The Germans being big believers in following the rule of law did issue a warrant for his arrest for “attempted homicide for low motives”. On February 14, 2018, the angry young man died. The young woman recovered fully and was luckily spared a future of abuse. Remember, if you’re an up-and-coming psychopath and future mass murderer, never try to drown someone in freezing cold water when they know how to swim and you don’t.

Although it is good advice, I find it a little disturbing that the Twisted Historian is offering advice to up-and-coming psychopaths at all. Share Twisted-History, if you also find it a little disturbing.

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February 13, 2008

On February 13, 2008, All Star baseball pitcher, Roger Clemens, denied taking performance-enhancing drugs while testifying to Congress. He said he’d only taken the Blue Pill, never the Red Pill. He also said he was pretty sure that Barry Bonds had taken the Red Pill in 1997, because no normal human could have turned into a mutant freak the way he did.

I imagine he's not the only person who takes performance-enhancing drugs while testifying to Congress. Hit "Like", "Subscribe", and "Share" to stay in Wonderland, and we'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

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February 12, 1947

On February 12, 1947, the largest observed iron meteorite flashed through the atmosphere and crashed in the Sikhote-Alin Mountains in the Soviet Union. It weighed around 23 tones. Later, in 1963, Ripsorck Epsilom 14 of Gliese 832 apologized to Nikita Krushchev and said, “Sorry, I was making the Kessel run and I was coming up on 14 parsecs when an Imperial battle cruiser pulled up next to me and demanded I pull over to be weighed, so I had to drop my cargo.”

Share Twisted-History to find out if Ripsorck shot first.

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February 11, 55 CE

On February 11, 55 CE, Tiberius Claudius Caesar Britannicus, the rightful heir to the Roman Empire, died of natural causes at the age of almost 14. He was poisoned by his step-brother and current emperor of Rome, Nero. He was involved in the Game of Thrones. If he’d died of old age after a long and fulfilling life, that would have been extremely suspicious.

The history of emperors and kings seems to be made up of equal parts trying to procure a male heir and trying to eliminate them. Share Twisted-History, if you think having royal blood might not be everything it's cracked up to be.

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