May 22, 1892

On May 22, 1892, Dr. Washington Sheffield, dental surgeon, invented the toothpaste tube. He also provided instructions on how to use the tube. The instructions were; 1. With thine fingers might, apply a gentle vise-like squeeze upon the far-end of the tube of paste, causing said paste to gently flow from the tube’s aperture that is conveniently located at the tube’s other end. 2. Remember to always uniformly squeeze the paste from the end furtherest from the aperture. 3. Under no circumstances is the tube of paste to be ever squeezed from the middle. 4. Only an uncouth mad-man or woman would squeeze the tube of paste from the middle. 5. I mean it. DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TUBE FROM THE MIDDLE YOU UNEDUCATED HILLBILLY! 6. You are squeezing from the middle? Even after I told you not too? Why did you even buy this quality tooth paste? Do you even have enough teeth to brush? Just stop abusing my tube of tooth paste. Just stop. Go. Just use baking soda and your finger like the uneducated and unrefined bumpkins you are. BAH! HEPZIBAH! TO HADES WITH YOU!     Yes, Dr. Sheffield really meant for his tube of toothpaste to be used correctly. And the toilet paper goes under, not over and you wipe from the back to the front, you animals.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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