May 15, 1829

On May 15, 1829, Joseph Smith claimed that John the Baptist ordained both him and Oliver Cowdry into the Aaronic Priesthood and gave them the ability to baptize other people. Of course, like all good, credible religious miracles, only John Smith and Oliver Cowdry happened to be around when John the Baptist materialized into rustic 1829 Ohio. This was eerily similar to when the Angel Moroni guided John Smith to the golden tablets that only he was allowed to see and translate. The tablets that said that 22 year-old John Smith was allowed to marry as many women as he wanted. We’re not really sure how John the Baptist felt about only Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdry being there to greet him. His first time back on Earth in 1,800 years, and there’s only these two men with their hands out, begging for some spiritual mojo. John must have been a little upset, as Joe and Ollie didn’t even bring anything to eat or drink. Normally, when John would baptize someone, he’d do the heavy lifting himself, like when people say he baptized Jesus, even though that story was first heard about two hundred years after Jesus supposedly died. But he refused to do it for Joey “The Ladies’ Man” Smith and Wingman Ollie. John made them baptize each other and then left. People say Joseph Smith was okay with the snub. He said John the Baptist was a busy Saint and had other things to do, such as posing for some Holy Icons in Greece. The Eastern Orthodox Christians kept John really busy posing for those painters in the 1800s. But isn’t it funny how when a religious leader says something like John the Baptist visited him and gave him the ability to allow other people to go to heaven, there aren’t any other reliable, neutral witnesses hanging around to see it? Funny how that always happens.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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