July 29, 1951/1961/1966/1978/1994/2020

Posted on July 29, 2013 by Joel Byers

On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1951, Bob Dylan was injured in a red-wagon accident when he drove it off a cliff. His stuff pet tiger was uninjured. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1953 Bob Dylan was injured in a bicycle accident. His stuff pet tiger was uninjured, but it sarcastically commented on his inability to steer. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1955, Bob Dylan was injured in a skateboarding accident. His stuffed pet tiger grows ever more sarcastic and was heard to ask Bob why he carries around a stuffed pet tiger, since girls don’t really care for that kind of thing. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1961, Bob Dylan was injured in a car accident, but the injuries are not life threatening and he recovers quickly. His stuffed tiger was not as fortunate as it was ejected from the car during the accident, since it was not wearing a seatbelt. The tiger’s front left leg was amputated later in the hospital due to the hospitals administration’s failure to maintain a qualified seamstress on staff. The tiger blamed Bob. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1966, Bob Dylan was injured in a motorcycle accident in Woodstock New York. Bob suffered minor injuries, but his passenger, a stuffed, three-legged tiger lost an eye. The tiger stopped speaking to Bob and from then on would only communicate with hand signals. Bob threatened to have the tiger’s middle finger removed. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1978, Bob Dylan was injured in a small passenger plane accident. It flipped over due to high winds while still on the runway, but he escaped major injuries, although Bob’s vodka and water (sans water) was spilt on his stuffed, three-legged, one-eyed tiger. The tiger’s marijuana cigarette ignited the vodka and it singed the fur off the top of its head. The enraged tiger threatened to kill Bob (communicating through one-handed sign language) and began wearing a toupee. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 1994, Bob Dylan was injured when his tour bus struck a massive car sculpture outside of Alliance, Nebraska, that looked remarkably like Stonehenge. The police arrested the bus’s driver, a three-legged, one-eyed, toupee-wearing irate stuffed tiger. The tiger was peppered-sprayed and tazed, as it would not respond to the officer’s requests to exit the vehicle. Once the tiger was pulled from the driver’s seat, it attacked State Patrolman Eugene Wayne, who was forced to unload his service revolver into the tiger, reload, and pump six more rounds into the tiger. When asked why he did so, the State Patrolman said, “It was a stuffed tiger and it came right at me.” Bob Dylan was saddened by these turn of events, but he did state that his stuffed tiger had become more despondent and angry over the last few years, having lost a leg, and an eye, and its hair. The stuffed tiger was sent to the hospital, sewn up and fitted for a colostomy bag, as the 12 bullets that were fired into it completely destroyed its digestive system. He was later sentenced to 25 years in prison for driving while intoxicated as well as assault and battery against a police officer. It was Bob Dylan’s loving testimony that ensured the tiger got the maximum sentence. On THIS DAY IN HISTORY in 2020, Bob Dylan will be killed when he is involved in a two mobility-power scooter accident. The driver of the other scooter, a three-legged, one-eyed, toupee-wearing, colostomy bag using stuffed tiger will be determined to be at fault. The tiger will die two days later without uttering a single word.

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About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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