July 12, 1918

On THIS DATE IN HISTORY, July 12th, 1918 Haiti declared war on Germany, one of the last countries to do so. Both sides of the conflict saw Haiti as the slow, pudgy kid that smelled funny and laughed at all the wrong times during class, but the Central Powers (Germany, Bulgaria, Austria-Hungary and the Ottoman Empire) said they were happy with their team and that the Allies could have all the other countries, especially the ones that had funny names and foods that looked and tasted weird. The Allies said fine, we’ll take them, but if the United States decides to come out and play, we get them too and that’s why the Allies had so many countries on their side while the Central Powers only had four. Soon after Haiti joined, The Haitian President Sudre Dartiguenave offered his country’s secret weapon to the Allied cause, which was their Vodou magic and the animation of the dead. The Allies were at first excited with the notion of having undead warriors doing the fighting, but when the reality sunk in that Vodun zombie warriors were three times stupider than live ones and were indiscriminate on whose live flesh to eat, the Allied generals quietly thanked the Haitian president and said the best thing the Haitians could do would be to either go over to the Central Powers side or supply rum for the other Allies’ soldiers. The Haitians said that since they were going to turn their sugarcane into rum anyway, they might as well send some of it the Allies’ way.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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