January 1, 2011

On January 1, 2011, Robert Freund, age 31, died because he thought he had the skill of a native Alabamian. He was igniting a large firework at his home of 4918 Country Oaks Drive, Johnsburg, Illinois, when it exploded, causing injuries to his head and chest. When the police and fire department responded, Freund was found dead at the scene. Skeeter Jim Bob Thibadeaux III of the Gadsden Alabama Fireworks Guild 132 said that the untrained use of fireworks by amateurs on New Years and the Fourth of July is the leading cause of death by non-Alabamian firework users on New Years and the Fourth of July. He also said that if you aren’t liquored up sufficiently, if the firework explodes too close to you, your body won’t be limp enough to ‘Matrix’ the force, and you’ll get hurt. He also said counting with all the fingers on his left hand, he knew of three times that had happened since his PePaw passed away in 2002. Don’t worry, Pepaw Thibadeaux didn’t die from a fireworks accident, MeMaw caught him with a transvestite during Mardi Gras in Mobile, Alabama. But that’s okay, PePaw died thinking that the transvestite was a woman, so his manhood was still intact. – Editor’s note, I don’t recommend following any advice about fireworks and/or drinking from a man named Skeeter Jim Bob Thibadeaux.

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About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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