August 10, 1743

On THIS DAY IN TWISTED-HISTORY in 1743, the first written rules were added to boxing by then champion Jack Broughton and were named the Broughton Rules. The Rules were as follows:

1. If a man goes down and does not rise after a count of 30, then he loses the match. Please be certain a scholar or priest is on hand who knows how to count to 30. It is advisable to test the scholar or priest before the match to determine their ability to count to 30.
2. Once a fighter is down, he cannot be hit. Or kicked. Or urinated upon. The spectators are also prohibited from hitting, or kicking, or watering a downed fighter.
3. No grasping below the waist. A man’s block and tackle, his twigs and berries, that which the fig-leaf doth cover, is not to be hit, grabbed, twisted, or injured in any manner, as it may prevent the after-fighting consoling by the prostitutes, and why should a hard-working prostitute be denied her god-given talents to give solace to a defeated fighter’s soul and help him realign the vigors of his body.
4. No knives, swords, clubs, or knitting needles will be used. Roger’s Auntie Tess will be barred from all future fights, as she uses knives, swords, clubs and knitting needles.
5. No biting or eye-gouging. Nose and ear yanking is allowed. Any ear that is so removed must be given back to the fighter which lost it after the match is finished.
6. Spectators are prohibited from assisting their favorites. The following is deemed to be assisting; tripping, kicking, hitting, biting, stabbing, clubbing, choking, or poisoning. Having a fine, young trollop stand to where the opposing fighter can see her and having her wiggle her hips and exhibit her breasts is considered entertainment and any attempts to stop such entertainment will be met with near-deadly force.
7. No witches will be allowed on the fight premises during the fight or up to three days before the fight. It is considered bad form to hex a fighter and such tactics should only be used against the French.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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