April 11, 1985

On April 11, 1985, at the Mount Haleakala Observatory of the University of Hawaii, scientist of the non-mad variety measured the distance between the earth and the moon to within one inch. They did use powerful lasers, which weren’t attached to the heads of fricking sharks, that were aimed at and struck mirrored reflectors placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin Jr., of the Apollo 11 mission. The scientists hoped by collecting this data to better understand how tidal forces and weather patterns are influenced by the moon and its changing distance in its elliptical orbit. Or that’s what the scientists said. In reality they were sending morse-code messages to their reptilian masters on Proxima Centauri which is 4.22 light years from Earth. The scientists had learned about how Coca Cola was going to release a new flavor at the end of April and they wanted to alert the Reptilians so they could buy more Coca Cola stock before it was released. Unfortunately for all involved, the new flavor was New Coke, which was a horrible Pepsi-derivative, and it failed horribly, as it should have.


About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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