April 1, 2020

Breaking news! On April 1, 2020, the University of Farmington, Farmington, Michigan announced that it had achieved a significant breakthrough in producing a more meat-like meat substitute. The University of Farmington’s Department of Biology and Chemical Science lead by Professors Philip Brainard, Roy Hinkley, Jr and William Dyer IV had combined the DNA of a solanum lycopersicum with the stem cells from an Aberdeen Angus fetus. The resultant combination produced a tomato that had an average diameter of 17 inches and weighed around four pounds. The fruit had a very muscly texture and tasted like a cross between beef steak and a green tomato. The professors hope their new plant will one day replace the need for actual beef and since it’s 100% a plant, it should be Vegan friendly. Farmington’s team of professors have nicknamed the new plants Audrey IV and stated that there is only one drawback to the new species. It requires an iron-enriched fertilizer and seems to grow much better if the iron-enriched fertilizer is administered in a liquid form. Professor William Dyer stated “it was almost like the plant enjoyed the taste of blood and that’s just silly, isn’t it?” The University of Farmington hopes to have their breakthrough scientific discovery ready for sale to the general public by the Spring 2022. Stay tuned here for further details from Farmington University.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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