On June 28, 2000, Darva Conger announced that she had done a photo layout for Playboy Magazine. Who was Ms. Conger? She was the ‘winner’ of Fox-TV’s “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire”. This was a TV show were 50 women were vying to marry an un-named, hidden multi-millionaire. Ms. Conger ‘won’ and married Rick Rockwell on the spot. She also received a three-carat diamond ring and $100,000 in prizes. She and Rick, who was in reality a failed actor immediately went on their honeymoon, which was paid for by FOX-TV. They came back and Ms. Conger immediately filed for annulment and had the marriage annulled in April 2000. She then claimed that she regretted even participating on the show and stated that she doubted that Rick Rockwell, if that was his real name, was even a real multimillionaire. She also publicly stated that she hated the publicity she was receiving and wished it would just stop. Then she posed naked for Playboy. To be fair, Rick Rockwell wasn’t what people thought of when you’d mention a multimillionaire. He did claim to have $750,000 in liquid assets and a $2 million net worth, but it wasn’t verified. So Darva Conger was almost correct when she stated that she’d been swindled, but how much sympathy can you have for a woman who was competing on national TV to marry a man she’d never met before, or even seen, because she’d been told he was a multimillionaire.
On June 27, 1973, former White House counsel, John W. Dean told the Senate Watergate Committee about a typed “enemies list” that President Nixon kept. Years later, a similar list was found in Donald Trump’s personal diary. It turns out that he really didn’t like James Comey, John McCain, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren. He even used a different color crayon when he wrote how mean Elizabeth Warren was treating him.
On June 26, 1718, Tsarevich Alexei Petrovich of Russia, Peter the Great’s son, died under mysterious circumstances after being sentenced to death by his father for plotting against him. The only mystery was why he didn’t die sooner. Alexei hated his father and didn’t want to be the next Tsar. The only thing he wanted was to live quietly on one of the family’s estate with his mistress. Alexei had fled Russia to Austria and was living there in exile. This was a great insult to Russia and Tsar Peter. He convinced his only son to come home after swearing that Alexei would not be punished in any way and would be allowed to live in peace with his mistress. Alexei, in turn, promised to turn over his inheritance to his young son, Peter. Once Alexei returned, he was immediately tortured and forced to confess to plotting to kill his father. Almost all of Alexei’s friends were tortured and killed. Turns out not only do you not get involved in a land war with Russia, you also don’t ever believe a Russian who tells you that if you return home, you won’t be punished in any way.
On June 25, 1798, the United States passed the Alien Act, which allowed the President to deport dangerous aliens. President John Adams lost little time in kicking Ripsorck Epsilom 14 out of the fledgling United States. It was no big secret that the First Lady Abigail Adams despised Ripsorck and his prehensile neck tentacles. She said they were way too friendly for a married man’s tentacles to act around women of high society.
On June 24, 1128, Afonso I of Portugal had a day. If you’ve ever thought your relationship with your mother was bad, just be thankful it was nothing like the stab in the gut between Afonso I and his mother, Countess Teresa of Leon. In 1112 CE, Teresa’s husband and Afonso’s father, Henry of Burgundy died. For the next 16 years, Teresa would rule the County of Portugal as the Countess of Portugal. Why not as the Queen? Because at that time, Portugal was still part of Hispania. In 1121, Teresa looking to expand her influence and power, hooked up with Fernando Peres de Trava of Galicia. Fernando became the del facto ruler of Portugal and the number one object of distaste of Afonso, son of Teresa. In 1128, when Afonso was 19 years old, he decided that his mother’s decisions were wrong and he revolted. He was unhappy with his mother’s alliance with the nobles of Galicia and he really didn’t like his mother’s boyfriend, Count Fernando Peres de Trava. It all came to a head on June 24, 1198 at the Battle of Sae Mamede. The forces of Afonso defeated the combined forces of his mother and her lover, Fernando Peres. Afonso became the sole ruler of Portugal and named himself, Prince of Portugal and would eventually become King. Yes, he was the first King of Portugal. What happened to Fernando Peres and Teresa of Leon? Afonso led them, and his half-brothers and sisters, to Galicia where he exiled them. So, no matter how bad and sucky your mother and her new boyfriend is, at least you aren’t having to lead an army against them to get your room back.
On June 23, 1961, the Antarctic Treaty was signed, thereby ensuring that the southern most continent would only be used for peaceful purposes and scientific research. Professors Dyer and Lake of Arkham-Miskatonic University were fundamental in persuading the leading nations of the world in agreeing to this treaty. Being the sons of the unfortunate leaders of the Arkham-Miskatonic Joint Antarctic Exploration of 1930, they felt the undiscovered graves of their fathers would be better suited for continued exploration and scientific pursuit, instead of a land-grab for oil, minerals, or rare ores. Both Professors Dyer and Lake were funding eminent treks inland, as they had both received word of possible hieroglyphic murals discovered on one of the plateaus in the upper reaches of the Transantarctic Mountain Range, when they received word of the treaty being signed. Regrettably for the star-crossed scientists, both of their expeditions into the interior of Antarctica disappeared, just like their fathers’.
On June 22, 1633, Pope Urban VIII forced Galileo Galilei to recant his view that the Earth orbits the Sun. Why did Galileo recant? Because he didn’t want to die. At that time the Church had their own courts, and police, and most importantly, executioners. Don’t get mad at Galileo, he did what he had to do to draw another breath. The Church did eventually admit it was wrong about the Copernican Earth/Sun model and apologized about what it did to Galileo, 359 years later! Pope John Paul II had to clean up Urban VIII mess. I guess a late apology is better than no apology at all.
On June 21, 2020, the world is supposed to end, again. Interpreters of the Mayan Calendar believed the previous prediction of December 21, 2012 was wrong. They believed they dropped the Kukulkan when they were supposed to carry the Jaguar. So, no fooling, June 21, 2020 is the day. Everything is going to end, supposedly. Ezekiel said the four horsemen of sword, famine, wild beasts and plague would stalk the Earth prior to its ending. Well, in 2020 we’ve already had race riots, global warming, murder hornets and COVID-19. How much more evidence do you want? So, buy Afterlife Insurance with the Twisted Historian. For a small monthly fee I’ll make sure your cash and valuables will get sent to you in your afterlife destination. Just send your cash and valuables to the Twisted Historian for safe keeping. I’m outside time and space, so when you get to Heaven, I can transfer them to you. And if you surprisingly end up in the other place, I can still get it to you, it’ll just cost more. A lot more. Now if you’re thinking to yourself, “Twisted Historian, I’m of such and such religion, and I’m going to the Good Place, unlike those heathens and sinners that believe in such and such other stuff”. Well, there’s a one in three chance you’re right, two in three you’re wrong. So, why take a chance when you can buy Afterlife Insurance. For most of you, you’re going to need a really good air conditioner.
On June 20, 2017, the Mattel toy company announced that it was adding 15 new types of bodies for their Ken dolls. The body types included original, slim and broad. The broad body type pays homage to the late 20s early 30s ex-athlete Ken, who just got married and was eating good because Barbie didn’t want any competition from any of the other gold-diggers out there. Way to keeping it real, Mattel.
On June 19, 240 BCE, Greek philosopher and scientist, Eratosthenes, estimated the circumference of the Earth using two sticks and got pretty darned close to its actual value. Today in the world, there are actually people who don’t believe the world is a globe, even though we have had spaceships and astronauts who have orbited around the world. We currently have satellites in space that send back pictures of the earth and its shape. There is a space station that has scientists living and working in it and they have cameras that are constantly recording their round trips. Airplane pilots have to take the curvature of the Earth into account as they fly from Dallas, Texas to London, England, and the US Army has to take the curvature of the world into account when planning bombing strikes. So, an ancient Greek philosopher and modern science and warfare all agree that the world is round and the math they use, because the world is round, is accurate. And yet, there are stubborn people out there going, “nuh uh, it’s flat because God said it’s flat”. They’re loud, they’re vocal and they’re stupid. Flat Earthers, the nose-picking booger-eaters of the scientific community.