September 16, 1943

On September 16, 1943, the Swiss scientist Dr. Albert Hofmann discovered the psychedelic effects of LSD. He wasn’t sure at first, but when the fluorescent giraffe explained he was rowing on the wrong side of the bed, he knew he wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Since, he was in fact still in Basel, Switzerland.

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September 15, 668

On September 15, 668 CE, Eastern Roman Emperor Constans II died an ignoble death. While he was taking a bath in his mansion in Syracuse, Sicily, his chamberlain beat him to death with a wooden bucket. Why? It was because the 37-year-old emperor was threatening to move the Roman capitol from Constantinople to Syracuse and no one in the government, other than him, wanted to move. Constantinople had been the capitol of Rome since 330 CE and it would have been a “huge” bother to move everything. They would have had to hire boats and movers and build new palaces and brothels. Everyone already had their favorite pubs and lunch delis in Constantinople and no one wanted to change, except for Constans II. Why? Because he hated Constantinople and thought the people of Constantinople hated him. They actually did. They thought he was an entitled jerk, which he was. So the people and senators of Constantinople did the only thing they could. They had the chamberlain go all Norman Bates on Constans while he was playing with his rubber ducky. When his son and successor Constantine IV was asked if he was wanting to move the capitol, he said, “Hell no. There’s a little Greek place near the palace that makes the best baklava and souvlaki. The capitol is staying put.” To be honest, Constantine IV didn’t really love Greek food, but he knew which side of the wooden bucket his bread was buttered on.


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September 14, 2015

On September 14, 2015, in Livingston, LA and Hanford, WA, the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-wave Observatory detectors detected gravitational waves for the first time. After checking and rechecking their data and instruments (because, SCIENCE) the news was reported on February 11, 2016. Flat Earth enthusiasts conveniently ignore this bit of information as they continue to spew their crackpot theories of “It’s density, not gravity. They detected the density waves,” or “Water always finds its level so they detected the sonic waves as it bounced off the water level.” Gravity, all because it destroys your Bronze Age beliefs doesn’t stop it from being real.

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September 13, 1503

On September 13, 1503, Michelangelo began working on his magnum opus, his marble statue of David. Two years later when he finished and unveiled his masterpiece to the world and everyone came running to look at it, it is rumored that Leonardo da Vinci took one look at it and said, “Michelango, your model, he musta been chilly, yes?” But Lisa del Giocondo replied to Leonardo, “Yeah, but dat ass, Leo, dat ass.”

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September 12, 1940

On September 12, 1940, Marcel Ravidat, an 18-year-old apprentice garage mechanic took his dog, Robot, for a walk in the hills near his home in Montignac. Montignac is in the Dordogne region of southwestern France. While in the hills, Robot, Ravidat’s dog found a hole created by a fallen tree and explored it. Marcel was able to coax the dog out of the hole and tossed a couple of rocks into it. The sounds of the rocks falling intrigued Marcel, as it seemed to take a long time for them to fall. Being 18, he quickly returned later with some friends and a teacher (almost like one of the adolescent adventure books from the 1950s) and began exploring the cave. To their amazement, they found vivid prehistoric cave paintings that were later estimated to be between 17,000 to 20,000 years old. The very same paintings that became known as the world famous Lascaux cave paintings. Being intelligent, the boys and the teacher knew their discovery was precious and fragile and decided to preserve it instead of adding any graffiti of their own. Thank you, Robot the dog, for being curious about that hole in the ground. Good dog.

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September 11, 1226

On September 11, 1226, the Roman Catholic practice of the public adoration of the Blessed Sacrament (the wine and the wafers, or the grape juice and the crackers if you’re Baptist) spread from the ceremony of the Mass in the monasteries to the general parishes. This food worship can still be observed today as Hipsters take several selfies of their kimchi tacos, heirloom tomato pickles, and coffee and cocoa craft pilsners.

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September 10, 2008

On September 10, 2008, The Large Hadron Collider at CERN was powered up in Geneva, Switzerland. At that instance, a butterfly in Waitangi, New Zealand beat its wings.

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September 9, 1913

On September 9, 1913, Russian pilot Pyotr Nesterov did something no other pilot had ever done before. He flew his Nieuport IV monoplane into a loop. Why? Because he was Russian and said he could. There may have been vodka involved. When he landed the plane he was immediately arrested for endangering valuable Russian military equipment and jailed for ten days. When the famous French pilot Adolphe Pegoud repeated Nesterov’s stunt, Pyotr’s supervisors immediately reversed the punishment, promoted him to staff captain and awarded him a medal and began bragging how a crazy Cossack had done it first. This is not the first time a man has done a crazy stunt, been punished for it, very soon afterwards have someone else do it, and then be rewarded for it. Married men will know what I’m talking about.

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September 8, 2018

On September 8, 2018, being young, drinking and feeling immortal took another life. On an evening ‘Booze Cruise’ in Boston Harbor, after a few drinks, acrobatic 21-year-old Aaron Dibella was doing handstands on the railing of the ferry. The ferry’s crew chased him off and ordered him to stop showing off in that dangerous way. But being young and in shape, he waited till the crew stopped paying attention to him and immediately went back to showing off. He was doing a vertical pushup by gripping the railing and doing a handstand, lowering himself and pushing back up. This is an impressive physical feat in a gym. Unfortunately, he was on a ferry in the Boston Harbor and his hands slipped and he fell overboard into the cold water. The crew was quickly able to put a spotlight on him and jumped into the water with life preservers to save him. Regretfully he sank and drowned before the crew could reach him. Alcohol, plus youth, plus water often equals no tomorrow. Daredevils are fun and impressive to watch, but accountants and insurance adjusters live a lot longer.

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September 7, 1996

On September 7, 1996, Rapper and hip hop artist Tupac Shakur was fatally shot four times in a drive-by shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. It is believed to be a result of an earlier fistfight with a Crips gang member.  Tupac died six days later from his injuries. In other unrelated news, Ripsorck Epsilom 14 of Gliese 832 hurriedly checked his planetary cruiser out of Area 51 early in the morning of September 8, 1996 and left Earth six days before his galactic visa had expired. Guards of Area 51 did observe Ripsorck tossing an object out of his spaceship into the Nevadian desert before blasting up and out of the atmosphere. Inspectors were able to retrieve and identify the object. It was a .40 S&W Glock 22 and black bandanna wrapped inside a blue t-shirt. The ten round magazine was empty.


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