November 14, 2018

On November 14, 2018, John Allen Chau, an Alabama native and Evangelistic Christian decided he was going to bring the word of Jesus Christ to the natives of the Andaman Islands off the coast of Indian. These natives have had a zero-tolerance of outsiders ever since the 1800s, when a British occupation almost wiped them out through disease. India also forbid anyone going to that island, to both protect the natives from any diseases that foreigners might bring and the foreigners from the violence the natives would bring. Mr. Chau believed Jesus told him to ignore the laws prohibiting him from visiting this island and the natives’ own wishes against visitors. Chau bribed some local fisherman to ferry him to the off-limits island so he could offer the native tribe gifts of scissors, a soccer ball, and ever lasting life through Jesus. Chau kayaked from the fisherman’s boat to the island where he was met with a flight of arrows from the tribesmen. Mr. Chau’s body has never been recovered. It seems the natives weren’t soccer fans and the erstwhile missionary might have had better luck if he’d brought a baseball or basketball. Or, this is just a wild guess in the dark, maybe Mr. Chau should have respected the natives’ wishes and left them alone. Just spitballing here.

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November 13, 1956

On November 13, 1956, the US Supreme Court ruled that laws requiring race separation on buses in Alabama was unconstitutional. Mississippi pointed at Alabama and went “Huh huh, you got caught. It’s still legal here, though” and the Supreme Court said, “No, if it’s unconstitutional in Alabama, it’s also unconstitutional in Mississippi.” Tennessee raised its hand and the Supreme Court said, “Yes, it’s also unconstitutional in Tennessee.” Florida raised its hand and the Supreme Court snapped and said, “It’s unconstitutional everywhere in the United States. Everywhere.” Texas raised its hand and the Supreme Court shouted, “Are you stupid? Didn’t you hear what I just said?” Texas answered sheepishly and said, “I just wanted to be excused to go to the bathroom.” The Supreme Court glared at Texas and said, “Fine. But those bathrooms better not be separate but equal. Buses aren’t going to be the only thing desegregated.” Just so people in 2020 realize, you can’t catch being black by sitting next to a black person. It’s not like Covid and not wearing a mask in public. Being black isn’t a disease.

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November 12, 1987

On November 12, 1987, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a policy statement that said it was completely unethical for a doctor to refuse to treat a patient solely because that person had AIDS or was HIV-positive. Southern politicians asked what if the doctors thought that all gay people were icky, would it be okay to not treat them then? The AMA said it was still unethical and wrong. The southern politicians came back and asked what if the States gave them a religious exemption to not treat gay people? The AMA said, “Read my lips. It’s unethical to refuse treatment because of a disease, sexual status, religion, or skin color. It’s unethical to refuse treatment, period.” The southern politicians said, “Eh, we’ll still look at giving religious people an exemption.”

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November 11, 2004

On November 11, 2004, the Palestine Liberation Organization confirmed the death of their former leader, Yasser Arafat under unidentified causes. Mr. Arafat had been confined within his Ramallah compound for two years by the Israeli army, when in late 2004, he mysteriously fell into a coma and died. After investigations by Russian and French investigative teams, it was determined that no foul play was involved. The French said it was perfectly normal for an angry, old man to be suffocated by a pillow in his sleep after refusing to die from all the poison his family had given him. The Russians said there was no proof of that as they were incinerating pillows, bedsheets, mattresses and containers of almondy-smelling powders in the Ramallah compound’s furnaces.

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November 10, 1983

On November 10, 1983, Bill Gates introduced Windows 1.0. Computer enthusiasts worldwide gushed and declared that this new, wonderful program would make operating and using a computer so easy that even a child could learn. They also said that this program was so versatile that it wouldn’t need any changes or updates for years, nay, decades. William Henry Gates III just smiled.

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November 9, 1541

On November 9, 1541, Henry VIII, the King of England confined his fifth wife, Queen Catherine Howard, to the Tower of London. In 2017, when President Donald Trump finally learned of Henry VIII’s behavior, he asked Steve Bannon if he could build a Tower of New York and confined all the talkative pornstars there to keep them from blabbing to the press. When his current wife Melania heard of his inquiries, she put her foot down and demanded that he send the pornstars to Russia, like he promised. He was unable to fulfill that promise as every one of the naughty women he’d defiled refused to get into any limo or plane that Trump sent to them, no matter how much money he’d thrown in the back seats.

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November 8, 2000

On November 8, 2000, Florida instituted a statewide recount to decide the winner of the 2000 US presidential election between Al Gore and George W Bush. The Supreme Court had to get involved and stop the vote counting and named the incompetent George W Bush as President. It was such a debacle that the term ‘hanging chad’ entered the general lexicon for about 10 years. Florida and the rest of the nation was so disillusioned by the whole process that they swore there would be changes. Enter 2020, the year of the pandemic and murder hornets and another presidential election. Changes were made and the process was altered to prevent another ‘hanging chad’ outcome.

Unfortunately, President Trump was such an idiot who did not understand that every vote against him was a ‘legal’ vote and the delayed vote counts in Georgia, Arizona, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina were all a direct result of the shitstorm of 2000. Even after all of his temper tantrums he still lost. America returned to normal.

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November 7, 1800

On November 7, 1800, it became illegal for women in Paris to wear trousers without a Police permit. It was still illegal for them to go naked in public. In 2013, the ‘trouser ban’ was annulled after 213 years, but it was still illegal for women to go ‘full Godiva’ in public.

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November 6, 1973

On November 6, 1973, NASA’a Pioneer 10 spacecraft began photographing Jupiter. Jupiter was reluctant at first, but Pioneer 10 promised that it would only take tasteful, professional photos and would allow Jupiter to decide on which photos would be shown to the public. Pioneer lied and published the photos under the tagline: Jupiter – Big and Gassy. Thicc Girl and Her Many Moons.

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November 5, 1781

On November 5, 1781, around eight months after discovering the seventh planet, astrologer William Herschel was able to determine that Uranus is so big that you could fit 63 Earths inside it. That’s how big Uranus is. It’s huge.

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