March 29, 1942

On March 29, 1942, the British cruiser, the HMS Trinidad torpedoed itself while escorting a convoy of supply ships in the Barents Sea. It was not true that the Skipper of the Trinidad was a Jonas Grumby, just as it was not true that the seaman who loaded the faulty torpedo was not a certain infamous R. Gilligan. It is also not true that when the torpedo was launched at an attacking German destroyer and its faulty gyro caused the torpedo to turn in a circle and boomerang back at the Trinidad, that the Skipper did not yell, “GILLIGAN!”.

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March 28, 845

On March 28, 845 CE, 5,000 Danish Viking went on Spring Break and occupied Paris, France. They partied like only a Viking can. They pillaged, they rampaged and they performed a little sexual assault against women, men, and the occasional attractive farm animal. In other words, they treated 845 Paris like college kids have treated Panama City since 1985. The Vikings were drunk, disorderly and armed to the teeth and were led by the rowdy Rampaging Ragnar. King Charles the Bald, the Frankish king finally had enough after the Danes attacked the Abbey of Saint Germain when they went looking for more alcohol to drink. Chuck, of the follically-challenged, was getting really tired of the Danes shenanigans, but when an outbreak of the Plague didn’t even dent their enthusiasm for pillaging, he decided to get serious. He paid them to go home. Which they did.

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March 27, 1794

On March 27, 1794, the countries of Denmark and Sweden formed a neutrality compact. They promised to not be enemies, but they didn’t promise to be friends. It was like when you go to a house-party that the Smith-Wyatts put together for the 4th of July and you see the Williams’s walk in before you do. You don’t have any beef with them, so you just nod your head politely. If it was the Telfairs, you’d get ready to throw down, because those assholes snidely said last year that your Aunt Sarah’s potato salad could have used some olives. Heathens. And if it was the Putnams, you and the Putnams would team up against the Telfairs to take them down. But it’s the Williams’s, and there’s no history, good or bad, so you just leave them alone, and maybe give a friendly wave. Just like Denmark’s and Sweden’s navies did with each other’s trade ships after 1794.

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March 26, 2015

On March 26, 2015, the body of Richard III of England was reburied at Leicester Cathedral in England. His missing body had been discovered under a parking lot in Leicester in 2012. In 2016, his ghost started communicating with a spiritologist in Leicester who uses the alias Sister Stefon. Sister Stefon says that King Richard III is very upset about being moved, as he quite enjoyed all the dogging he was able to watch while buried under the parking lot.

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March 25, 1593

On March 25, 1593, Dutch scholar, theologian, and priest, Cornelius Loos recanted his earlier protest against the witchcraft persecution that was being carried out by the Catholic Church in Europe. He wrote a book protesting the witch hunts and questioned the beliefs and morals of the witch hunters. He also questioned the validity of any confession obtained under torture. Because of that, he and his family were threatened with torture by the Catholic Church and the witch hunters if he didn’t recant his books and beliefs. Unsurprisingly, he did so. Before the witch hunters could fabricate more evidence and execute him, he died from the Plague in 1595.

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March 24, 1815

On March 24, 1815, the first pop group fan club was formed in America. The Handel & Hayden Society was formed in Boston, Massachusetts by Gottlieb Graupner, Thomas Smith Webb, Amasa Winchester and Matthew S. Parker to cultivate and improve a correct taste in the performance of Sacred Music, and to introduce into more general practice, the works of Handel, Haydn and other eminent composers. Yes, there were music nerd Nazis in 1815. In fact, ever since there has been music, there have been music nerd Nazis. When Grog first pounded a rock with a stick, there was a Zrogg standing behind him saying, “That’s not how Arooga pounded rock. Arooga meant there to be more tempo when rock is pounded.”

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March 23, 1982

On March 23, 1982, the Space Shuttle Columbia was launched into orbit. Many people don’t remember this. They remember the Space Shuttle Challenger exploding on or around this date. It didn’t. That tragedy happened on January 28, 1986, but the people who are convinced it happened in 1982 will swear they remember it. They will claim they were at work, or at school, or at home and watched it on their TVs. This is the result of the Mandela Effect. The Mandela Effect is when a large group of people believe that an event occurred when it did not. The most famous examples are the Challenger explosion, Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the 1980s, the movie Shazaam starring the actor Sinbad and/or the basketball player Shaquille O’Neal and Jesus rising from the dead. Some people believe the effect is brought about by other dimensions forcing their realities upon our world. While others believe that most people are naturally forgetful and will just add shit to their memories to make it more consistent with what they think should be true. Guess which one I think it is.

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March 22, 1733

On March 22, 1733, mankind took the first step toward creating the perfect beverage. On this date, British scientist Joseph Priestley invented carbonated water. Unfortunately, it would take 153 years before man was ready to take the next step and invent Coca Cola and another 96 years before Diet Coke would evolve. All hail Diet Coke and its aspartame that keeps us holy.

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March 21, 1925

On March 21, 1925, the state of Tennessee enacted the Butler Act. This law made it a crime for any teacher in any state-supported public school, including colleges and universities, to teach any theory that was in contradiction to the Bible’s account of man’s creation. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last time, that conservative Christians would impose their own brand of Sharia law in the United States. It should be noted that Alabama and Georgia pointed at Tennessee and said, “We’ve done some stupid shit in our time, but we’re not Tennessee crazy.”

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March 20, 1885

On March 20, 1885, Jan Matzeliger of Lynn, Massachusetts patented the shoe lacing machine. He’d previously patented a machine that manufactured shoes, putting thousands of gnomes out of business. When Quamorra Leathertack of the International Brotherhood of Gnomist Machinists and Leatherworkers was informed of the shoe lacing machine, he lost it. He was quoted as saying, “Matzeliger had put out of work thousands of hardworking shoe-making gnomes. Now he’s also taken the jobs of shoe lacing fairies! The elves and dwarves better watch out, because if Matzeliger will go after human friendly gnomes and fairies, he’ll go after anyone.” In 1891, it was reported that Matzeliger died from tuberculosis brought about from overwork. Although, there are those who claim he was elf shot as there was anti-IBGML paraphernalia scattered about his apartment the day he died.

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