September 8, 2015

On September 8, 2015, British researchers revealed that evidence of a larger version of Stonehenge had been found about 2 miles from the original Stonehenge location. They had identified 90 buried stones that had been found through the use of ground penetrating radar. Miskatonic University of Providence, RI was asked if the ancient druids had buried an uncaring and malicious eldritch space-god beneath the stones. Professor Ferdinand C. Ashley IV, said, “Without a doubt.” When asked if the ancient evil could be released unintentionally, he said, “Ask again later.” The last question asked of Professor Ashley was would humanity survive if the thing buried beneath the recently discover Henge was released. He said, “My sources say no.”

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September 7, 1915

On September 7, 1915, toymaker Johnny Gruelle patented the Raggedy Ann doll. When he was asked why he created such a soft and friendly doll, he said it was because the china-head dolls were just creepy and prone to becoming haunted. He said that could never happen with his Raggedy Ann dolls. But he was wrong, wasn’t he?

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September 6, 1620

On September 6, 1620, the Pilgrims left on the Mayflower from Plymouth, England to set up their own little religious colony in the New World. Contrary to popular American belief, the Pilgrims did not leave England because they weren’t allowed to practice their brand of Protestantism. They left because they were no longer able to force their neighbors to follow their arbitrary religious rules and regulations. They left to set up their own colony where they could force everyone in it, on pain of imprisonment, beatings, and even death to worship how they thought was right. So, they left England because their neighbors liked to sing, dance, give gifts and have a little drink every now and then, which they hated. So instead of being tolerant of their neighbors, they decided to pack up all their toys and leave the playground instead.

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September 5, 2003

On September 5, 2003, “magician” David Blaine had himself encased in a clear plastic box. This box was then suspended by a crane over the banks of the River Thames. He remained there until October 19 while he went without food. He only allowed himself to have water to drink. The Londoners were unimpressed. As they rightfully said, he was only going on a hunger-strike. Political prisoners and religious zealots did that all the time and for a lot longer. For their free entertainment they expected a lot more. They pointed out there was a man juggling chainsaws on Downing Street who still had most of his fingers and that was more fun and exciting to watch than David Blaine doing nothing in a plastic box.

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September 4, 2018

On September 4, 2018, the FBI announced that a pair of the red slippers that Judy Garland wore in “The Wizard of Oz” was finally recovered. The slippers had been stolen thirteen years previously from the Judy Garland Museum in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. The FBI did not disclose who stole the famous footwear, just that a “middle man named Ms. Elphaba” had returned them. To this day, no one has come forward claiming to be the thief, even though the statute of limitations has expired on the theft, and the FBI isn’t talking.

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September 3, 1658

On September 3, 1658, after the death of Oliver Cromwell, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father as Lord Protector of England. Richard was not prepared to rule England as the Lord Protector and he knew it, especially since the Army had no faith in him and his father left the country in debt with a deficit of over $2 million pounds. $2,000,000 pounds in 1658 would equate to around $250,000,000 pounds today. Nine months after succeeding his father as Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, he resigned and became known as “Tumbledown Dick”. The people of England were savage in the giving of nicknames.

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September 2, 1901

On September 2, 1901, at the Minnesota State Fair, when Theodore Roosevelt was the Vice President he gave a speech where he said his most famous quote of “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. This was not his first choice. The lines that didn’t make the speech included, “Whisper and don’t be afraid to cut a bitch”, “Shoot first and then tell the survivors what they’re going to do”, and “A cannonball carries a lot of weight in any argument”.

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September 1, 1715

On September 1, 1715, King Louis XIV of France died, after a reign of 72 years, the longest of any major European monarch. The French people and his successors thought he was never going to die. In fact, he outlived all of his sons and most of his grandsons. When he did finally died, his great-grandson, Louis, Duke of Anjou, inherited the crown.

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August 31, 1888

On August 31, 1888, the police of London, England found the body of Mary Ann Nichols, the first confirmed kill of Jack the Ripper. The world’s current fascination with serial killers was born this day.

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August 30, 2017

On August 30, 2017, per late author Terry Pratchett’s will, his computer that contained all of his unfinished works was destroyed by steamroller. His fans worldwide were saddened to learn that they would never know what other stories he had been in the act of creating. When Death informed Mr. Pratchett that his computer was destroyed, he told him that many people would consider it to be a ‘dick’ move. Mr. Pratchett nodded and agreed, but said it was ‘his’ dick move.

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