February 9, 2020

On February 9, 2020, 20-year-old Australian Bradley Streeter proved why women live longer than men. Streeter and some of his friends decided to visit the Cave Gardens Sinkhole of Mount Gambier, Australia. While there, Bradley decided to impress his friends and did a handstand on the rails that overlooked the 100-foot fall down to the sinkhole. He lost his balance and Schrodinger’s handstand decided he was both dead and really dead. Murphy’s law kicked in and Streeter tipped over backwards and fell to the rocky floor 100 feet below. Please remember, when you decide to perform a handstand over a precipice, the chances of falling are automatically increased if the Grim Reaper who is observing your antics is a fan of the ‘Wilhelm Scream.’

Posted in 21st Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

February 8, 2019

On February 8, 2019, a drunk Peter Michael Elaqua, of New Port Richey, Florida, was arrested after shoving his girlfriend into a chair and then hitting her in the face with a burrito. A deputy found the woman with a money shot of the contents of the burrito splattered across her face, neck and shoulder areas. Mr. Elaqua was arrested on charges of domestic abuse and assault with a delicious burrito.

Posted in 21st Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

February 7, 2011

On February 7, 2011, Jose Luis Ochoa, age 35 of California was maliciously killed by an angry dinosaur. That’s right, a fighting gamecock killed him. Mr. Ochoa, while attending an illegal cockfight was slashed in the calf by one of the blades attached to the spurs of one of the roosters. It hit an artery and he bled out. It was reported that the rooster who killed Mr. Ochoa looked him in the eye and spat, “Soy una perra dinosaurio,” just before slashing him with his blade. In other news out of India, it was also reported that a fighting rooster slashed an unnamed man’s throat. People, chickens are the descendants of dinosaurs. They remember and aren’t happy that they are so delicious.

Posted in 21st Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

February 6, 1933

On February 6, 1933, the 20th Amendment to the Constitution went into effect. This Amendment moved the start of the presidential, vice-presidential and congressional terms from March 4 to January 20. This change was needed as technology had advanced to the point that it no longer took weeks to go from San Francisco to Washington, DC, instead a train could get you from one to the other in three days and an airplane could do it in less than a day. And in the 21st century, the train ride still takes three days, but an airplane can do it in four hours. So, for the QAnoners out there who think that Biden’s inauguration was tainted because it was done on January 20 instead of March 4, do they also think Trump’s was tainted in 2016? Do they really believe that on March 4, 2021, Trump is going to ride to Washington DC at the head of a military procession with space-lasers flying overhead shooting down the Jewish space-lasers that are controlling our minds for the Reptilian Overlords? If so, do I need to buy the heavy-duty aluminum foil, or can I use three or four sheets of the regular foil to make my protective headgear? Asking for a friend.

Posted in 20th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

February 5, 1958

On February 5, 1958, during a practice exercise, a US Air Force F-86 fighter plane collided with a B-47 bomber over the Atlantic Ocean near Tybee Island, Georgia. To protect the crew of the B-47, the plane jettisoned the nuclear bomb it was carrying somewhere in Wassaw Sound off the shores of Tybee Island. The 7,600-pound Mark 15 nuclear bomb did not detonate when it hit the water and has never been found. Let me repeat. This nuclear bomb has never been found. It is still out there.

Posted in 20th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

February 4, 211 CE

On February 4, 211 CE, Roman Emperor Septimius Severus died and left the Roman Empire to his two sons, Caracalla and Geta, who hated each other. Caracalla and Geta hated each other so much that they would only stay in the same room with each other if they both had armed guards with them. The only person who could make them behave was their mother Julia Domna. On December 26, 211 CE, Geta died of natural causes. He went to visit his mother in her room and centurions on the orders of Caracalla stabbed him to death in her arms. Natural causes for a Roman emperor.

Posted in 3rd Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

February 3, 1913

On February 3, 1913, the 16th Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified and became part of the law of the land. This Amendment authorized the federal government with the power to impose and collect income tax. To all the Libertarians and Sovereign Citizens out there, this is the Amendment that authorizes income taxes. Income Taxes are legal and aren’t theft. You can’t jut mutter Taxes are Theft and get out of paying. You can’t handwave and sign some cobbled together fake lawyerese crap saying you’re no longer a citizen and the US laws no longer apply to you. You still owe the taxes, just like the rest of us. Libertarians, Sovereign Citizens, Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers and Science Deniers. Why is that Venn Diagram so interconnected? Rant over.

Posted in 20th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

February 2, 1349

On February 2, 1349, London, England was burying at least 200 people a day as a result of the Bubonic Plague. This disease had a mortality rate of over 80% if contracted. In 2020, many people in America were going, “This Corona Virus isn’t a real plague. It doesn’t have the ummph that the Black Death had.” When asked would they prefer something a little more deadly, they answered, “Sure. At least that way we’d know it’s real. This Corona virus isn’t really dangerous. It’s just another flu and if you’re young, you’ll survive it.” 414,000 dead later, they’re still repeating their complaints, about how they can’t go and get a hair-cut and why didn’t grammy leave them more money when she died from the Corona.

Posted in 14th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

February 1, 1861

On February 1, 1861, Texas voted to secede from the Union. They’d only been a state for 15 years and weren’t altogether sure which other states they should emulate. When Washington, DC asked them why they wanted to secede, Texas said, “Well, Alabama and Louisiana did it. They also said if I joined their new club, I’d be allowed to own slaves and use them as really cheap, and I mean CHEAP labor and it’d give my poor whites and Mexicans someone to look down on.” Washington said, “But that’s wrong,” and Texas replied, “What part of cheap didn’t you understand?”

Posted in 19th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

January 31, 1983

On January 31, 1983, Great Britain enacted a new law to help reduce driving deaths. All drivers and front-seat passengers were required to wear seatbelts. Libertarians worldwide decry this new law and claim that Britain was trying to Nanny-state them. They said that Britain was trying to circumvent evolution by preventing the deaths of the unlucky, stupid and terrible drivers. They said that the good drivers would, overall, outlive and produce more offspring than the bad drivers. Great Britain said that evolution took a very long time to produce those results. Libertarians said not if you believed Lamarck.

Posted in 20th Century, Historical Facts | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment