January 7, 1904

On January 7, 1904, the distress signal “CQD” was established for Morse code and the wireless radio. Two years later the distress signal was changed to “SOS”. Why? It was claimed that SOS was faster and easier to send. That was true. Also, you could make a funny saying with the letters, like “Same Old Shit”, “Sorry Old Shit”, or “Stodgy Old  Shit”. The humor potential is literally finite. There was just no way to make a funny saying with the letters CQD. Try it. I dare you.

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January 6, 1912

On January 6, 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. In 2017, after Trump was elected President, he stated that he would build a wall along the Old Mexico border. Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas all suggested that he try a testcase first with New Mexico. If he could succeed by building a wall around it and making sure that all the contractors got paid, on time, they’d have more confidence in his ability to build a wall on the US’s southern border.

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January 5, 2005

On January 5, 2005, a team of astronomers discovered the largest known dwarf planet in the solar system, Eris. The astronomers, Michael Brown, Chad Trujillo and David Rabinowitz even estimated that it was more massive than the planet Pluto. When Pluto heard the news, it gasped in fear, as though a goose had walked over its grave. Sure enough, in 2006, Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet status.

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January 4, 1884

On January 4, 1884 the last sighting of an eastern cougar was made in Ontario, Canadia. The next sighting would not be made until May 16, 1983, when Mrs. Sofia Dellarucci’s divorce was finalized and she started going to the Gold’s Gym in Paterson, New Jersey.

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January 3, 1947

On January 3, 1947, Al Herrin of Trenton, New Jersey died at the age of 92. He ‘claimed’ that he had not slept at all during his life. Also, there are people called Breatharians who claim that they survive on sunlight and air and don’t need to eat and only drink water. They’re also liars.

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January 2, 1872

On January 2, 1872, Brigham Young, the 71 year old leader of the Mormon Church was arrested for bigamy. He had 25 wives. Some of them hadn’t even been taken out of their original packaging and were still in mint condition.

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January 1, 1946

On January 1, 1946 as part of the concessions Japan made after losing World War II, Emperor Hirohito of Japan announced that he was not a god and would no longer be answering prayers or performing miracles. Although he did say that if his people did continue to believe in him, with a little yeast and water, he could turn rice into sake.

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December 31, 1841

On December 31, 1841, the State of Alabama enacted the first dental legislation in the United States. The law required a person to have eight or fewer teeth before they could marry their first cousin, fourteen or fewer to marry a second cousin, and no restrictions for the marriage to a third cousin or higher. What? That wasn’t the law? The law called for an assignment of a dentist to the state’s medical board in order to grant licenses for practicing dentistry? Then why is it that you see a lot of married first cousins with only fifteen teeth between them? That’s called the Baader-Meinhof phenomenom or frequency illusion? It’s when the thing you’ve just noticed or experienced suddenly is happening everywhere. The frequency hasn’t changed, you’re just now noticing it. Oh. So some of those toothless married first cousins are from Oklahoma. O-kay.

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December 30, 1978

On December 30, 1978, Woody Hayes, the head coach of the Ohio State football team, was fired for pulling the ultimate Old Man – Get Out of My Yard – moment in college football history. On December 29, 1978 Ohio State was playing Clemson in the Gator Bowl and were losing. Ohio State threw an interception at the end of the game that sealed the loss for them. Clemson linebacker Charlie Bauman, who intercepted the pass and ran out of bounds on the Ohio State sidelines was surprised when Woody Hayes punched him in anger. When asked what it felt like, he said it was exactly what you’d expect if you got punched by your 70 year old grandfather. Sort of soft, but you felt bad because you know he hit you as hard as he could. Ohio State had no choice but to fire him the next day.

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December 29. 1813

On December 29, 1813, during the War of 1812, the British burned Buffalo, New York. The natives barely even noticed.

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