July 29, 1968

On July 29, 1968, Pope Paul reaffirmed that artificial methods of birth control were verboten in the Catholic Church. When he was asked, did that include condoms? He said of course it does. But he did tell the people that their wives could rub one out for them. His archbishops quickly corrected him and told him that God was against man spilling his seed. Pope Paul said he thought that was about farming and his bishops said, “No, no. God is talking about man-seed.” Pope Paul went “Ewwww” and said maybe then if a woman didn’t want to get pregnant, then her husband could just go and have sex with one of his concubines. His bishops shook their heads and said, “Nope. Not allowed concubines or side pieces. We’re not Moslems.” Pope Paul then said, “What about different positions, maybe?” And the bishops said, “God has only authorized the Missionary Position. In the Catholic Karma Sutra, there’s only one position. Missionary, and a good Catholic isn’t allowed to talk while making a baby” Pope Paul then got mad and shouted, “Well, can they then eat cake and ice cream instead of having sex?” And the bishops huddled together and talked amongst themselves for a while and said, “As long as it’s not pie, because pie is of the devil.” So, in 1968, the Pope declared that eating cake and ice cream was a suitable method of birth control.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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