July 11, 1921

Posted on July 11, 2013 by Joel Byers

On THIS DAY IN HISTORY! in 1921 – A truce was called in the Irish War of Independence as the Guinness Breweries in Dublin contracted a fungal infestation that required all the beer to either be poured out or drunk on the spot. As one side of this Civil War consisted of hard working Irishmen and the other consisted of Highlander Scots, Protestant Irishmen, some dentally challenged Englishman and a scattering of Welsh who had heard about the beauty of the Irish sheep girls it was quickly decided by both sides to set aside their differences and run (not walk) to Dublin to drink the vats dry so that Guinness could start the disinfection process and begin brewing beer again. As was want to happen in this type of circumstances as good beer is drunk and aged whiskey is shared, the reason for the original fighting was quickly forgotten and the universal questions and observations of all men everywhere were asked and pondered. Such as, and it was widely agreed upon by all parties concerned, why was Canadian beer such piss, why did American women have such big breasts, and why weren’t they going to go to Australia to give those inbred, yahooian yaboos an arse-kicking their limited convict brains wouldn’t soon forget. As even more beer and good Irish whiskey was consumed, the terms of the truce were quickly written up on the back of a bar napkin and the important points were once again covered and underlined next to the doodle of a knobby cucumber, which all the barmaids agreed was a fine rendition of a knobby cucumber. Once again, the Scots agreed with the Irish that Canadian beer wasn’t fit to drink, all agreed that American women had fine breasts (although the Irish barmaids did put up an excellent thought-out rebuttal of how smaller breasts took longer to flop and sag and the paragraph extolling the American women’s breasts virtues was almost stricken from the Accords until an extremely intelligent Irishman named O’Shannehey reminded all in attendance that a new crop of American breasts would grow each year, and so the passage about the quality of American breasts was left in to the consternation of the Irish girls, who promptly took their breasts and went home). The English (after several lagers each) tried to get a section put in how American men’s breasts also had a certain something and with that, the English were quickly rounded up and locked in a tool-shed to sober up for the night. Finally the Welsh asked if a paragraph could be added setting the age of majority for goats and sheep, as that sort of thing was never properly addressed until it was way too late for all concerned. The next morning after partially sobering up, both sides of the conflict quickly read over the terms of the truce written up the night before on what turned out to be the backs of 23 napkins and the undershirt of Private Llewallyn and decided that it might be best for all involved to hire a solicitor to bang out a set of terms that might pass through Parliament. Private Llewallyn’s undershirt was eventually returned and most of the English officers had a spirited row about who was going to be allowed to take home the doodle of the knobby cucumber.

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About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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