December 24, 1818

On December 24, 1818, the alignment of the stars was perfect and “Silent Night” was performed for the first time at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. Father Joseph Mohr brought his poem “Stille Nacht”, which he’d written two years earlier. Unbeknownst to most people, the earliest version of Silent Night was an ode to the Dread Lord Cthulhu and how he would descend upon the earth and devour the entire human population, not even leaving enough to start a slave colony. When Franz Gruber, the great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of Hans Gruber, was asked to write music to Mohr’s malefic ode to the Great Destroyer of Worlds, he said it wouldn’t really play well in Peoria for the kinders and GroBmutters. Mohr complained about their lack of vision, but immediately changed the poem into what we now know as “Silent Night”. On a side note, Franz Gruber wasn’t able to use the organ at the church to compose the melody to help summon Cthulhu, as Hastur had learned a couple of months before December 24, about Mohr’s plan to summon his nemesis, Cthulhu. Hastur thought to himself “Wen rufst du an?” and immediately thought of alchemist Ephraim Spengler. Spengler was able to diverted a flood toward the church, which damaged the pipes of the demonic organ. Gruber wrote the music anyway and Father Mohr was reduced to playing and performing the song on his guitar during the evening Mass at St Nicholas parish. Cthulhu was not summoned and people actually enjoyed the music.

About Joel Byers

Born in North Georgia and educated at some very fine public institutions. Real education started after graduating from college and then getting married and raising two boys. Has the ability to see the funny and absurd in most things and will always remark on it, even if it means getting the stink-eye from his victims.
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