February 11, 55 CE

On February 11, 55 CE, Tiberius Claudius Caesar Britannicus, the rightful heir to the Roman Empire, died of natural causes at the age of almost 14. He was poisoned by his step-brother and current emperor of Rome, Nero. He was involved in the Game of Thrones. If he’d died of old age after a long and fulfilling life, that would have been extremely suspicious.

The history of emperors and kings seems to be made up of equal parts trying to procure a male heir and trying to eliminate them. Share Twisted-History, if you think having royal blood might not be everything it's cracked up to be.

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February 10, 1355

On February 10, 1355, the St Scholastica Day riot broke out in Oxford, England. It all started when two students from the University of Oxford complained about the quality of wine they were served at the Swindlestock Tavern. Come on, they should have known something was up from the name of the tavern. But they complained to the owner. He didn’t care, so then insults were exchanged, a momma was insulted and a fight broke out. The inn’s customers joined in and it turned into a melee. Then other people saw what was happening and it turned into a riot. Over the next three days 63 scholars and students were killed and about 30 locals, give or take a suspiciously looking pig. King Edward had to get involved and judges were sent, along with armed men, to determine who was at fault. It wasn’t the scholars and students. The town’s mayor and bailiffs were sent to prison, a 500-mark fine was assessed and an annual penance was forced on the town. On St Scholastica’s Day, the mayor, bailiff, and sixty townspeople were required to attend a Mass at the University Church of St Mary the Virgin for those killed. Also, the town had to pay the university a penny for each of the scholars killed, which is why we know there were 63. The penance was finally dropped in 1825, 470 years after it all started, and in 1955, 600 years after it all started, the University decided to forgive the town of Oxford.

Share Twisted-History, if you're curious as to whether or not the quality of the wine improved following the riot.

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February 9, 2020

On February 9, 2020, 20-year-old Australian Bradley Streeter proved why women live longer than men. Streeter and some of his friends decided to visit the Cave Gardens Sinkhole of Mount Gambier, Australia. While there, Bradley decided to impress his friends and did a handstand on the rails that overlooked the 100-foot fall down to the sinkhole. He lost his balance and Schrodinger’s handstand decided he was both dead and really dead. Murphy’s law kicked in and Streeter tipped over backwards and fell to the rocky floor 100 feet below. Please remember, when you decide to perform a handstand over a precipice, the chances of falling are automatically increased if the Grim Reaper who is observing your antics is a fan of the ‘Wilhelm Scream.’

Share Twisted-History, if you've ever done something really stupid. Bonus points if the Grim Reaper was watching and waiting, in case it went horribly wrong.

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February 8, 2019

On February 8, 2019, a drunk Peter Michael Elaqua, of New Port Richey, Florida, was arrested after shoving his girlfriend into a chair and then hitting her in the face with a burrito. A deputy found the woman with a money shot of the contents of the burrito splattered across her face, neck and shoulder areas. Mr. Elaqua was arrested on charges of domestic abuse and assault with a delicious burrito.

Mr. Elaqua insisted that it wasn’t his fault his girlfriend forgot her safe word. Share Twisted-History. And don’t forget your safe word.

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February 7, 2011

On February 7, 2011, Jose Luis Ochoa, age 35 of California was maliciously killed by an angry dinosaur. That’s right, a fighting gamecock killed him. Mr. Ochoa, while attending an illegal cockfight was slashed in the calf by one of the blades attached to the spurs of one of the roosters. It hit an artery and he bled out. It was reported that the rooster who killed Mr. Ochoa looked him in the eye and spat, “Soy una perra dinosaurio,” just before slashing him with his blade. In other news out of India, it was also reported that a fighting rooster slashed an unnamed man’s throat. People, chickens are the descendants of dinosaurs. They remember and aren’t happy that they are so delicious.

Share Twisted-History to get recipes for Deinonychus Parmesan, Archaeopteryx Cordon Bleu, and Velociraptor Marsala.

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February 6, 1933

On February 6, 1933, the 20th Amendment to the Constitution went into effect. This Amendment moved the start of the presidential, vice-presidential and congressional terms from March 4 to January 20. This change was needed as technology had advanced to the point that it no longer took weeks to go from San Francisco to Washington, DC, instead a train could get you from one to the other in three days and an airplane could do it in less than a day. And in the 21st century, the train ride still takes three days, but an airplane can do it in four hours. So, for the QAnoners out there who think that Biden’s inauguration was tainted because it was done on January 20 instead of March 4, do they also think Trump’s was tainted in 2016? Do they really believe that on March 4, 2021, Trump is going to ride to Washington DC at the head of a military procession with space-lasers flying overhead shooting down the Jewish space-lasers that are controlling our minds for the Reptilian Overlords? If so, do I need to buy the heavy-duty aluminum foil, or can I use three or four sheets of the regular foil to make my protective headgear? Asking for a friend.

*** This video was removed by YouTube for supposed “harassment or cyber-bullying”. ***

If the Orbital Mind-Control Lasers and the Jewish Space Lasers got into a fight, who would win? Share Twisted-History to place your bets. Fnord.

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February 5, 1958

On February 5, 1958, during a practice exercise, a US Air Force F-86 fighter plane collided with a B-47 bomber over the Atlantic Ocean near Tybee Island, Georgia. To protect the crew of the B-47, the plane jettisoned the nuclear bomb it was carrying somewhere in Wassaw Sound off the shores of Tybee Island. The 7,600-pound Mark 15 nuclear bomb did not detonate when it hit the water and has never been found. Let me repeat. This nuclear bomb has never been found. It is still out there.

Maybe I'm missing something, but how hard can it be to find a nuclear bomb? Share this post, if you've ever misplaced something important. Bonus points, if it was a nuclear bomb.

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February 4, 211 CE

On February 4, 211 CE, Roman Emperor Septimius Severus died and left the Roman Empire to his two sons, Caracalla and Geta, who hated each other. Caracalla and Geta hated each other so much that they would only stay in the same room with each other if they both had armed guards with them. The only person who could make them behave was their mother Julia Domna. On December 26, 211 CE, Geta died of natural causes. He went to visit his mother in her room and centurions on the orders of Caracalla stabbed him to death in her arms. Natural causes for a Roman emperor.

Their mother was understandably upset and sent the surviving son to bed without dinner. Share this post, if you were ever sent to bed without dinner... although probably not for killing your brother.

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February 3, 1913

On February 3, 1913, the 16th Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified and became part of the law of the land. This Amendment authorized the federal government with the power to impose and collect income tax. To all the Libertarians and Sovereign Citizens out there, this is the Amendment that authorizes income taxes. Income Taxes are legal and aren’t theft. You can’t jut mutter Taxes are Theft and get out of paying. You can’t handwave and sign some cobbled together fake lawyerese crap saying you’re no longer a citizen and the US laws no longer apply to you. You still owe the taxes, just like the rest of us. Libertarians, Sovereign Citizens, Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers and Science Deniers. Why is that Venn Diagram so interconnected? Rant over.

Thanks to the Twisted Historian, I have a sure-fire way to avoid paying taxes: Zero income equals zero taxes. Problem solved. Share this post, if you see the flaw in my method.

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February 2, 1349

On February 2, 1349, London, England was burying at least 200 people a day as a result of the Bubonic Plague. This disease had a mortality rate of over 80% if contracted. In 2020, many people in America were going, “This Corona Virus isn’t a real plague. It doesn’t have the ummph that the Black Death had.” When asked would they prefer something a little more deadly, they answered, “Sure. At least that way we’d know it’s real. This Corona virus isn’t really dangerous. It’s just another flu and if you’re young, you’ll survive it.” 414,000 dead later, they’re still repeating their complaints, about how they can’t go and get a hair-cut and why didn’t grammy leave them more money when she died from the Corona.

Jeez, humans! You're practically begging for someone more advanced to take over and save you from yourselves. Share this post to place your bets on whether or not you'll kill yourselves off before then.

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